Feels Like Home
by Mrs.Robward
Summary: "Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love comes along & gives us a fairy tale" A novelette of an average girl who learns it's not how many times you fall & get back up, it's about whose arms are there to catch you. *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1, The Beginning

**WARNING: There is some violence in this chapter (only this one).**

This is chapter 1 of a 3 shot.

This fic was commissioned in the FGB by amieforshort. She gave me a few prompts and I've been working on it forever. The domestic violence was already a small part of this fic, so we both decided that it would be a perfect addition to the compilation for FansAgainstDV. It was a donation from both of us.

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><p><em>Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself<em>  
><em>Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms<em>  
><em>There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast<em>  
><em>Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life<em>

_If you knew how lonely my life has been_  
><em>And how long I've been so alone<em>  
><em>And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along<em>  
><em>And change my life the way you've done<em>

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_  
><em>It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from<em>  
><em>It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me<em>  
><em>It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong<em>

_Feels Like Home_

_~sung by Edwina Hayes (link on profile)_

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><p>I sit up slightly on my elbows on the bed and look over toward Riley and immediately, I regret being here.<p>

The clock reads four minutes past six, and the sun is just now peeking through a small crack in the thick curtains covering the windows.

I gently lie back down, careful not to touch him or move too much. He doesn't like to be woken up. Not. At. All. And that's the very last thing I want to deal with this morning. I can't stand that he gets so worked up about every little thing. It's like his anger is always under pressure, ready to blow at the blink of an eye.

He's so not worth it.

I slowly roll over onto my side away from him and steadily exhale a deep breath as my thoughts begin to whirl in my head.

I'm not happy.

Not even a little bit.

I don't even like Riley anymore, but nevertheless he's still my boyfriend.

I should break it off with him but anytime I hint that maybe we should take a break, he lets me know real quick-like that I shouldn't say such things. So here I am, never able to tell him no.

I wanted to last night when he called me to join him outside the bar on his way home after I'd already gone to bed.

I screamed 'no' in my head a thousand times when he insisted we go to his place for a night cap.

Then I wanted to do it when I got there, but as soon as I opened the car door he was all over me. His breath smelled like stale beer and his clothes reeked of weed. He made me feel cheap and trashy. My Daddy would be so disappointed in me that I was settling for this.

And then later, it was right on the tip of tongue when we were in the bed and he threw his arm over my chest and mumbled for me to stay.

But I didn't say it. Not out loud.

My disgust for him and my lowly desperation hung heavy all around me, it was getting nearly impossible to ever see the sun anymore.

Yet the saddest thing of all is that if I lose Riley, I really don't have anyone else.

My eyes tear up as I wonder if being alone would be worse than sharing myself with someone I don't even like.

I really just don't want to think about it anymore, so for the first time ever, I get up while he's still asleep. I grab my clothes from the floor and leave his apartment.

He'll be pissed.

But I can't find it in myself to give two shits anymore.

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Sitting at the kitchen table drinking my tea, I hear the back door creak and then bang against the wall.

_Emmett. _

"Bella?" He yells like he doesn't know it's me in here.

"Who else would it be?" I return.

It's always... just me.

He pulls out the chair and slinks down beside me.

"Hey, you doin' okay today?" He doesn't even look me as he folds his arms on the table and rests his head there. I bet he was out all night, probably with his girlfriend Rosalie.

"I'm fine Bro." I rustle his curly hair.

"I'm sorry I didn't come home last night." His voice is muffled against the wooden table top. "It's just that I go back in three more days and I wanna see my Rose as much as I can."

"Em...," I cut him off- "...I live here every day by myself. Don't start."

I'm annoyed. I love my big brother – more than anyone else in the world but ever since Dad died a few years ago, he's so protective over me. I think I'm doing just fine on my own or at least I tell myself that daily. I just know that one day soon, it'll be true.

"Why aren't you with her now?" I roll my eyes.

Then he quickly falls asleep and snores. I just shake my head. I'll miss him when he goes back. He's going to be stationed in Germany for two more years. He's proud to serve his country and I'm proud of him too. It's all he's ever wanted to do.

And I would never think of holding him back from what makes him happy.

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After my nap, I get up to start us something to eat. Maybe I can convince Em to bring Rose over here to eat tonight with us. We could have a nice sit down old-fashioned family dinner.

It only takes twenty minutes to have the lasagna in the oven and the salad mixed.

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I hate that Rose can't make it – she has to work tonight. Emmett's in the shower, and I'm lost in thought wondering if I should sprinkle any cheese on the garlic bread or not.

I drop the butter knife when I hear a light tapping at the back door. It slowly opens and then I hear a soft clink of it closing.

_Edward. _

Then my stomach flutters and I swallow hard as if it's programmed inside of me and I'm unable to control it.

"In here-" I choke out and slowly turn to look at him.

"Hey Smelly Belly." He winks.

I glare at him before I turn around hiding my smile.

I want to be mad because that nickname is the worst. I mean, it was years ago, and I couldn't help that we'd just had Taco Casa and I accidentally let one rip. A loud one.

_It could happen to anyone! _

But I can't be angry towards Edward, because, hello? It's Edward.

My brother's life long best friend.

The most gorgeous guy I know.

The one who has starred in my own fairy tale dreams for as long as I can remember.

The only guy, other than Em and my Dad, who has a permanent residence inside my heart.

The one who will always regard me as his 'best buds lil sis,' and sometimes as much as I hate it, 'Smelly Belly.' I teeter on finding it endearing that I have my own nickname in Edward Cullen's vocabulary or despising it so much I want to scream. It makes me think that he may never see me as more than just a little girl... that he won't ever see me as the woman I am.

Edward and Emmett are both five years older than me. Edward has lived off and on with us for most of his life and as close as he is to an older brother figure to me, I still think he must have been the one to hang the moon. Whether he knows it or not, I consider him one of my best friends and I don't ever want to jeopardize that.

Once again, I'm lost in my own head thinking of how yummy Edward is and how absurd it is for me to even consider liking him in that way that isn't so brotherly, I don't even notice that he's standing right behind me.

I hold my breath as I feel him move closer behind me. I can almost feel his body heat. Almost.

I want his arms around me circling my waist and pulling me close to him.

I know it's wrong. He'll never think of me that way.

I should get over it – I really, really should. It's just that I've felt this way for so long, I don't know how else to think of him.

He's only been back in Jacksonville for a month, his time served with the Army complete, but now... Edward's staying.

_Hell yes!_ It's the best news ever, second only to Em doing the same. It makes me childishly happy. I'm giddy over it. It's the first thought that pops in my head as soon as I wake up in the morning and the last before I go to sleep.

I refrain from dancing in my spot._ He's staying in Florida! _

I look at the bread, and I've sprinkled way too much garlic powder on the tops. This is the type of thing I do around him. I can't think normally. I debate wiping some of it off or just saying the hell with it and putting it in the oven anyway when Edward reaches around me and sticks his finger in the tub of butter.

I slightly stumble back against the counter.

Then, I can't look away. I watch as he sticks his butter clad finger in his mouth and sucks the butter off.

Slowly.

I shiver right before I whimper.

_How embarrassing. _

Edward raises his eyebrows and I clear my throat repeatedly as if I was choking on my spit instead of thinking of Edward in ways I shouldn't and wanting him to do things that he won't.

"Ewww," I say, but I see the way his tongue is licking the butter off his lips and how his finger is wet and shiny.

So. Not. Fair.

"What?" He snickers and bends away from me to look into the den. "Where's Emmett?"

"He's in the shower." I feel the stain coloring my face, Edward being the only one who can do that to me. He probably reads me like an open book and thinks 'look at that silly little girl blush.'

It hurts my feelings a tad, so I just try and pretend he's not standing here beside me, looking all lick-able and tasting like butter.

_Sweet, sweet butter..._

"Do you need any help?" He shuffles on his feet.

I shake my head.

"It smells good." Then he places his hand on my bare forearm and leans forward to look me in the eye. "Really good, B. I've missed your cooking."

I shiver. Again.

I like the warmth of his touch – it's such a simple, intimate gesture.

I steadily return his stare, and my aggravation fades back to adoration. "I have to say, I've missed you both so much. It just isn't the same without you and Em here."

I want to tell him so much more. I want to open up and fill him in on the past four years that he's been gone, but more than that, I want him to _want_ me to tell him. It's a connection I long for.

He steps back toward the table, grabbing onto the top of the chair. Then, as if he can read my thoughts, he says the words I want to hear. "I can't wait for us to catch up. It seems like everything changed while I was gone. I feel like I missed so much."

I smile, and my hearts throbs.

I can't hold back any longer. I turn around and in one step I jump him the only way I can that's appropriate. I wrap him up and hug him tight.

He holds me just as close.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm overwhelmed, and my emotions are caught in the bubble in my throat.

I don't want to cry, but I'm ...happy.

All my naughty thoughts are forgotten for now – because this right here, this is us – the family we've always been. We all three may be slightly dysfunctional and kookie and there are nights I cry myself to sleep wishing things were different, but then there are times like this – minutes I spend silently praying that time would just freeze and let me live like this forever.

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The only thing missing at dinner is that dad's not here. Rose had to work. Em and Edward rave on and on about my cooking, which I secretly love. Sometimes I wonder if they even taste it and chew before they swallow.

They both stand to get seconds when there's a knock at the door.

Emmett goes to answer it, and soon Riley follows him into the kitchen.

My face falls, but I look down to quickly hide it. He stands over me and kisses me gently on the top of my head.

The kitchen is suddenly hushed.

Emmett doesn't like Riley, but he tolerates him because I've asked him to.

"Damn Bella, I must have missed your call when you called to invite me for dinner." His voice is laced with sarcasm as he fixes himself a plate.

I look up at Edward. He's stabbing his lasagna with his fork as if there are worms trying to escape from it.

I wonder what Em has told him.

If looks could kill, Riley would have been dead from the way Emmett's glaring at the back of his head.

It all feels so wrong and it's totally my fault.

He pulls his chair closer to mine and sits beside me. "I didn't hear you leave this morning." He reaches under the table and grabs the top of my thigh. His fingers curl into my skin, bruising it. It hurts, but I fight with all I have to keep a straight face.

I don't want Em or Edward to know how he touches me. "I didn't want to wake you," I lie.

Emmett and Edward are both watching us. Edward is slowly chewing his food, his eyes narrow and shift between me and Riley. Edward doesn't look away and Emmett stops eating all together.

I wiggle my leg, trying to get him to let go.

"You want a beer?" Emmett asks him, and finally he releases his grip.

I reach under the table and rub my thigh. _Asshole!_

I'm going to end this. I'm so over it. The next time we are alone, that's it. All I can hope is that there's someone else out there for me, so maybe I won't be alone for too long. Now I know for sure, being lonely can't be as bad as this.

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"You little slut." Riley's standing beside me, pretending he's helping me wash the dishes.

"What are you talking about?" We both whisper loudly. Emmett and Edward are upstairs getting ready to go out. Somehow they convinced Riley to go with them. They are going to a club that's twenty-one and over so I can't go. I'm not so sure I would even go if I could, I don't want to be around him anymore than I have to.

"Please, Bella. Save it. I see the way you and Edward look at each other. How long have you been fucking him?" His voice is so cold.

I think I hate him.

"You are delusional Riley! He's like my brother. You have no right..." Edward and Emmett's footsteps are loud as they run down the stairs.

"Lying bitch. Just you wait," he whispers in my ear right before they enter the room, and then he kisses my cheek.

I want to wipe it off so badly. Instead, I scrub the hell out of the plate in my hand and fight back my emotions.

"You going to be all right here by yourself Belly?" Edward rubs up and down my back. I shiver, partly from fear, and partly from some other emotion I can't name but I soon begin to calm down. I don't look at Edward as I nod.

Riley clears his throat. "So, Emmett, when are you leaving out again?"

I wish Em would lie to him.

"Three days, man. Three. Short. Days." Emmett shakes his head.

"Hmph," Riley grunts. I turn to look at him and see the evil written all over his smile. "That's good. That's real good." His eyes are narrowed at me. He's up to no good. Asswipe.

"Why?" Edward asks him sharply, and Riley's smile slithers off his face. Edward's standing up to him and I feel uneasy. Yet, I want to stand behind Edward and be an united front.

Edward crosses his arms and rests his backside against the counter.

I almost sigh. _Edward, my hero. _

"I was just wondering, man. No biggie. You ready to go?" Riley asks, slapping Emmett on the back.

"Oh, I forgot." He grabs my wrist and pulls me in for a kiss. The dishwater from my hands flies everywhere. I quickly turn my head away from him. His lips are open and wet against my cheek. I cringe and fight the urge to cry.

"Mmm. Mmm. I'll be back later for more of this." He grabs my ass and tugs me closer to him. "Wait up for me, baby." Then he lets go and slaps my ass. Hard.

I wince from the pain.

"Don't even bother. You're not welcome here anymore," I quietly state into his ear.

"That's what you think," he says loudly. Then he winks, and I quickly look away.

I really do hate him.

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Emmett left this morning. Edward's still gone, having driven him to the airport. This house is so quiet. I can't help but cry off and on all day.

The loneliness didn't take long to set in.

I haven't heard from Riley since he was at our house a few days ago. Em said he got really wasted the night they went out. I think there's more to the story they aren't telling me, but I don't care.

As long as he stays away, I'm fine.

The back door knob rattles, and I smile because it's got to be Edward. He must have forgotten his key to get back in. He's going to stay in his old room until he finds himself a new apartment. He's starting the police academy in a month. He says my father inspired him.

_Isn't he just perfect?_

"Hang on!" I yell. I quickly primp my hair and wipe all the tears and snot off my face.

As soon as I swing open the door, Riley steps through it forcefully. Anger and dread course through my blood. He's not welcome here. _That effin sonofab... _"Get out!" I try and push him back through the doorway.

He laughs and then pulls my back flush to his chest as he picks me up and slams the door closed. My anger is instantly replaced with fear. This can't be good.

I panic.

"Put me down you-" He clamps his hand over my mouth. I kick and scream. My hands flail wildly behind me, trying desperately to claw his eyes out.

He throws me down in the kitchen floor. "I told you I'd be back didn't I?" His face says it all. This is going to be really bad.

My fight or flight instinct kicks in.

I scramble to stand and find something to knock his ass out with. Or a knife – I'm not scared to stab a bastard. I start screaming again. "SOMEONE HELP ME! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! HELP!"

I grab the only pot that's left on the stove and try to swing and hit him.

He cocks back his elbow and when I swing at him, his fist connects with my face. The thick tang of iron and blood rolls down my throat. I drop the pot and gag. I raise my hands to cover my face and try to protect myself.

But I'm not fast enough.

Another punch.

The pain is searing and then fading.

The light is dim.

The floor is closer.

I feel another blow and a new pain shooting down my back.

His grunts coordinate with his hits.

I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

"He won't want you now, bitch."

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I'm on the floor. The cool tile is welcoming. The house is quiet. My body hurts everywhere. I can't move.

Tears leak from my eyes and I'm terrified. I've never been this scared in my entire life.

I try to scream but my voice is gone.

I lift my head as much as I can, but he's still there. "Tsk. Tsk. You shouldn't have woken up yet, little girl."

Riley grabs the back of my hair and slams my face into the floor.

The lights go out really fast.

Instantly.

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My eyes won't open, but I hear the kitchen timer going off. I have to get up and turn off the stove. It's driving me crazy! I try and lift my arms – _Oh God – _then I try and move my legs, _shit!_ The pain, it's so intense. _It hurts..._

The beeping gets faster. _Wait!_ _Maybe it's not the timer... What is it? _

_Where am I?_

_Oh no... Riley! _

Behind my closed lids, I see his face. His fist getting closer. _What if he kidnapped me?_ Terror floods my body.

Then I hear **him**. He's all around me. "It's okay, Bella. I'm here. You're safe now. Calm down, sweetie." His arms are around me. He's touching my hair. "Rose, text Emmett and tell him she's waking up. He's been aggravating the crap out of me for an update."

"Edward?" I ask as my eyes begin to cooperate and open.

"Yes Belly, I'm here. Are you in any pain?" The comfort of his voice washes over me, chasing away the fear, and I can't hold back anymore.

"Oh my..." I latch onto Edward's arm that's wrapped around me, and I cry with every ounce of energy I have left. I ignore the pain that radiates over every inch of my skin and bones, and I cling to him like there's no tomorrow.

Because there almost wasn't.

He's shushing me and rocking me, but I can't stop the need to hold onto him. He's murmuring into my hair, and I actually want to crawl into his lap and let him shield me from the world. "I'm not going anywhere. Calm down, Bella."

I want to, but then I think about my daddy and how I want him here, but he's not. And I think about Emmett and how he's gone too, and I'm just so alone and...and the whole fucking world sucks!

Eventually I do calm down a little. Edward's still sitting beside me on the bed. He's holding my hand, and his eyes, they never leave me.

He and Rosalie fill me in on everything. Rosalie tells me the beginning, how Edward came in and found me in a pool of my own blood on the floor. Riley was still there, but he ran out the front door when Edward returned. Edward called 911, but he didn't leave me to go after Riley.

I feel his grip slightly tighten on me. I look up and his eyes are wet. He's shaking his head.

"You scared me," he whispers, and I try to smile but my whole face feels wrong. My hands instinctively go to my face, but Edward pulls them down to his lap. "Don't."

_What? Why?_ I panic and I can't begin to imagine the damage he done to my face. The beeping sound increases and I put two and two together – the noise is something monitoring my heart rate.

_But my face! _

"Tell me! How bad is it?" Edward's not looking at me now, and the look on Rosalie face is not promising.

"Please, just tell me." Defeat and misery rack my body. I close my eyes and try and relax back on my pillow, but then I realize just how bad I hurt. Everywhere. It's overwhelming and I just want it to stop.

Rosalie moves closer to my bed. Her hand is patting my leg. "Bella. Your face, it just doesn't look good, honey. Your nose is broken. They already set it while you were unconscious, but the bruising... and the cuts. You're busted up pretty badly."

Then Riley's words echo through my mind, "_He won't want you now,_" and I am overcome with despair and rejection. That pain hurts worse than all these stupid wounds. Along with the rest of my body, my heart breaks completely in two.

Riley did it. He succeeded. It's not that I thought Edward wants me in the same way I want him, but now, that'll never happen. All because if my insecurities and weakness.

I didn't leave him soon enough.

I'm at my lowest, the only place to go now is up. It's time for me to just deal, one painful second at a time.

"Is there more?" I try and look at the positives. Bones, cuts, and bruises, they will all heal. My heart may take a while to feel anything but hopelessness, but at least I'm alive.

"Just bruises, Bella. Your back has a really bad one. He must have kicked you, but somehow nothing more is broken. And you have a few chipped teeth. Those can be fixed later."

"How long have I been out?" I run my tongue along my teeth and feel the sharp edges.

Rosalie looks at the clock, "About five hours. Not long, but you are pretty doped up, so rest."

Edward's quiet and stiff. I don't like it. I squeeze his hand and he gives me a small smile.

I'll take it.

"There's some good news, Bella. They got him. Riley's already locked up. He had a few warrants out for his arrest in Texas, so he won't be out of jail for a long time." Rosalie cell begins to ring in her purse, and she answers it. She looks at me once more before turning and leaving the room.

Edward shifts slightly in the bed beside me, and I wince. "Sorry, sorry, sorry." He looks at me with such pain on his face that somehow it hurts my heart even more.

I shake my head. "S'okay, just don't leave me." I know I sound desperate, but I don't care.

"I'm not going anywhere. But will you tell me something?"

I nod.

"How long?" His voice is unsteady and pleading. "How long has he been hitting you?"

My eyes meet his, and there are slow tears rolling down his cheeks. I'm so disappointed in myself. I did this to Edward.

"He's never hit me before. He's always been demanding, and sometimes he's pushy and mean, but..." I swallow hard, and my voice is trembling. "He's never punched or hit me or anything. I promise. I was gonna' break it off with him. I hate him, Edward. I'm sorry...I'm so, so sorry."

Then he's gently holding me to him again. He's whispering in my ear for me not to apologize and that everything's going to work out. He's reassuring me that he's here, and that I'm safe now. His touch is both comfort and relief.

I love him. In all the right ways as well as the wrong, I love Edward Cullen.

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"Ms. Swan, good to see you awake. I'm Dr. Denali. How's your pain?"

Edward starts to sit up and pull away from me, but I grab onto his arm. "Um, sometimes it's worse than other times. For the most part, right now it's manageable."

The doctor begins to look me over, her fingers touching the bandages on my face. I don't take my eyes off Edward as she checks over me, I need something to ground me. He's watching us and his face is pulled together like he's the one hurting.

She lifts the bed sheet to touch my side and my leg. Then his eyes settle on mine, they lock and I feel safe. I can't decipher the emotions swirling in his eyes.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being none and ten being the worst, what would you rate your worst pain?" The doctor shines a laser light in my eyes and I'm forced to look away from Edward.

"A seven, I guess. I have a high pain tolerance." I blindly reach around the doctor for Edward again. He gently holds my hand and caresses it.

She nods, "I need to talk to you about your condition." The machine beeps faster as panic once again takes over. I increase the hold on his hand. I don't know how much more I can take.

Her eyes jump over to Edward, suggesting he give us some privacy. He's hesitant, but he lessens his hold on me and begins to stand.

"No! Whatever it is, you can say it in front of him." I look to Edward and mouth,'stay.'

He nods and scoots over to sit in the empty chair by my bedside. Our hands still wound together, holding me together, inside and out.

"Well, the baby is fine, but in your traumatic state, your risk will increase for miscarriage. Especially if you are under an increased amount of stress because of your pain-"

"WAIT! What? Did you... did you say baby? Oh no, am ...am I pregnant?" My head spins and I think I must have heard her wrong. That can't be right. _I can't be..._

"Yes, around seven weeks. I'm sorry. I thought you knew." The doctor's face falls.

And so does my heart.

My hopelessness drowns out the noise of the room, and my world in that very second, crumbles right out from beneath me. Nothing is right, it's all wrong. My future is slipping away and I don't know what to do.

I can't handle a baby. I can't handle any of this.

I just want to wake up and this all be a nightmare.

My daddy's dead. Emmett's thousands of miles away. Edward probably thinks I'm a slut, a useless tramp who isn't worth the bother and I've been beaten to nothingness. What good can come of my life?

I'm not even sure tomorrow's worth it.

"_Once you forget what you're worth, you forget what you deserve."_

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><p>Next chapter is MUCH lighter, I promise!<p>

Special thanks go to **Amieforshort, fiftyownsme, & wytchwmn75 **for prereading this chapter for me eons ago.

Also **kikikinz & **wandb_ff ****waved their beta pens and made this better than it was****.****

My wifey, **beegurl13**, whom I don't know what I'd do without, made me a banner and encouraged me and preread for me and listened to me grumble and all sorts of stuff. I'm so lucky.

Twitter: Mrs_Robward

**_-*Um, if you review before the next chapter posts, I will send you a snippet of an EPOV from this chapter in a reply!*-_**

Remember, it's only 3 chapters complete. Chapter 2 is with beta's now!


	2. Chapter 2, The Middle

**A/N: Thanks so much for the support of the 1st chapter of FLH. Most of you wanted to feed Riley his balls, I agree.**

I chose not to mention things like why BxR did not use birth control/condom/etc just because it wasn't important to the plot, it still isn't. People accidentally get pregnant everyday, even when they are using proper BC, the only 100% effective form is abstinence.

I'm using my creative license for this chapter. Although I know about pregnancy (I have 3 kids) and the conditions mention below were researched,** I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR A NURSE.** If I got something totally wrong, let me know, but don't bust my imaginary bubble over it. I keep it vague for a reason.

I take credit for any and all mistakes. But trust when I say this fic would be yucky without **beegurl13** and **kikikinz** beta-ness. One says more emotion, the other says more angst, I don't know what I'm going to do with those two! **Fiftyownsme** pre-read and then made me feel all mushy. Thanks ladies.

Only one more chapter after this 10k+ word monster...

Surprise amieforshort! I hope you like.

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><p><em>A window breaks, down a long, dark street<em>

_And a siren wails in the night_

_But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me_

_And I can almost see, through the dark there is light.._

_Feels Like Home ~sung by Edwina Hayes  
><em>

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><p>It's been two weeks since I left the hospital. The first few days were really draining on me emotionally, it was a struggle to even get out of the bed. I finally decided that I need to just grow up and make the best out of my situation, but it wasn't easy, not even by a long shot. Every morning when I looked at the calendar, I seemed to get a little more anxious.<p>

Every day that goes by is a day that I know I get more and more pregnant. Each passing day is a day closer and closer to the one that's circled in red marked 'DUE' on the calendar hanging on the kitchen. Just that little-bitty square reminds me that I'm going to have a baby. It feels like there's a fog of uncertainty all around me, and with every day my stomach expands, it gets darker and thicker, reminding me of what's at stake.

A BABY!

There's no backing out now.

There was a social worker with the county hospital who came to my house a few days after I was discharged to go over my options with me. She was so sweet and caring and she spoke to me with such tenderness, I cried on her shoulder unabashed. Then she spoke words suggesting things like abortion and adoption, my skin became instantly clammy and I was suddenly very nauseous. It made me feel possessive and angry. I was appalled. It became crystal clear to me the way I felt in my heart when she said those things. The realization hit me hard that this was _my_ baby in _my _belly, and those two things she mentioned were not even an option.

Nope. I am keeping it. I mean him...or her...the baby.

This baby is mine.

It still doesn't keep me from freaking out.

Daily.

Thankfully, there's one constant through it all, and that's Edward.

He slept in the hospital room with me, his long frame all scrunched up in a recliner that squeaked every time he moved. I tried to stay awake as much as I could and watch him sleep. The volume was turned way down on the television and the soft light illuminated his face just enough. Just his presence made me feel better.

He never left my side. He even ate the gross hospital food off my plate.

He means so much to me. I'm not sure I could have gotten through this without him. Never once has he let me feel like I am a burden on him, he tells me countless times how he wants to be here - with me. How I should just let him help and take care of me, so I do. It's so effortless.

Just knowing that much, that this is where he wants to be, is like a catalyst for my feelings. It's almost as though he's a prince straight out of a fairy tale sent to rescue me. And even though I know that's not really how it is, that our situation is anything but a romance out of a book, it gives me a little bit of hope. It doesn't take much for me to sink low when I'm reminded of the reality of my life, but then he shows up, strong and dazzling. Intoxicating and protecting. He smiles. He gives. He cares. He touches. And I forget. And I fall. Over and over.

Without much thought, I agreed to let Edward stay in his old room at our house indefinitely so that Emmett wouldn't rush back to the States to watch over me. He need not waste his family leave on me. It was settled that Edward would live with me until after this munchkin was born, and then we would reevaluate the situation.

It was maybe selfish of me. I mean, of course I want Edward here – with me. He makes me feel as though I'm treasured, and big brother's best friend or not, I'll take what I can get. I don't let myself linger over the idea of what will happen after, or later, or someday soon - not when it comes to Edward and I.

I just live in the now, forget the past, and try not to worry. Some days it's easier said than done, but I'm just a girl. A girl in love with a boy. A girl that can't seem to do anything right... in love with a boy that seems to do no wrong.

Practically every hour he's home, he asks how I feel or if I need anything. He checks on me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I sometimes even hear the floor boards creak in the middle of the night, right before he peeks his messy head through my doorway and loudly whispers, "You okay?"

One night the weight of it all just became too much for me to bear and it was all I could to breathe though my sobs. The emotions swarmed me, one after the other, not relenting - not giving me one bit of mercy.

I wanted more than anything to go back and erase the past year of my life.

I wanted to look ahead in the future and see that in two years or four years, that Edward's still here with me and the baby, and my happily-ever-after has come true. I wanted to feel worthy of his love and confident enough to deserve it. I wanted to bury every damn ounce of my self-doubt and announce to the world that I love this man. I wanted to be strong enough to handle his possible rejection and stable enough to move on afterward.

I wanted to be proud of the tiny one in my abdomen and have that glow like I'd always heard of.

I wanted to see my daddy hold my baby and watch as he tickled it's chubby chin with his overgrown mustache.

I wanted so much... So, so much.

Edward heard me crying and didn't even ask as he crawled onto my bed and pulled me into his lap. His strong arms wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and lost myself in his hold. He gently swayed me back and forth. He combed through the ends of my hair with his fingers as I cried and held onto him with all I could. When I would break again, he held me tighter, and when I just needed his touch, he was there. I never had to ask. I was never left wanting a friend, Edward gave me more than his share.

That night he soothed me and made me feel protected. I easily fell asleep in his arms. That was the first time I woke up next to a snuggling-still-sleeping Edward Cullen in my bed, and it was one of the best mornings of my life.

As much as I hate to acknowledge it, he's not helping matters though. Every touch of his warm hands, each look of his caring eyes, every syllable of his soothing voice grows my love for him and not in the brotherly kind of way either.

I haven't confessed to Emmett my feelings about his best friend. I think Rosalie has her suspicions, but she's never asked and if she ever does, I don't think I'll admit to it.

And honestly, I'm not sure if Edward even knows that I care and love him like I do.

The way I see it, it's not that important anyway. Soon enough I'll have someone of my own to tend to and care for. I won't have time in my life for silly boy crushes or room in my heart for unrequited love.

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The hospital sent me home with a whole library of books: pregnancy ones, labor ones, name ones, even toddler-year ones. I have enough to read to last me for the next three years!

I pick up the one that goes over week by week how the baby is growing and developing. It even gives me warning signs to look out for in case of a miscarriage or complications. Because I'm always the pessimist, I read over all those terrifying parts more than once a day. Rose tells me that I'm being silly and I should stop scaring myself, but really, I'm just being extra careful. That's all.

I flip to the correct week and began to read.

I read over all the information for this week and then I go back and read over the few past weeks again. I even skip ahead and read next weeks just to be informed.

"Bella?" I jump not even realizing that it's time for Edward to return from the academy.

"I'm right here," I sniff and wipe my nose on the back of my hand.

He's immediately at my side. "What is it? What's wrong? Are you okay. Do you-" He's inspecting me, like he can actually see if I am cracked or broken.

I laugh, "Edward, stop."

He looks down at my hands, they're on my bare belly. My shirt pulled up, the waist band of my stretchy shorts pulled down. My belly doesn't look pregnant, but for the first time ever, I wish it did.

"It has fingernails," I whisper as I look down at my non-existent bump. The tears still slowly rolling my cheeks, falling down and wetting my shirt. "The baby, it has fingernails and…and ears, Edward. Ears! He or she has hands and feet. And a tongue. This baby has a tongue! Can you believe it?" I giggle in amazement.

"Really?" He questions as he places his hands softly beside mine. "Ears? Can he hear?"

Edward moves his whole body closer to my belly. I like the feel of his hands on my skin. His hands are rough on his fingertips, yet soft on his palms. I can't decide if I want to look at Edward's face or his hands as they rub against my stomach. I also can't shake the desire for him to touch me more like this. A lot more. It feels so right.

"I don't think so. Wait... did you say he?" I raise my eyebrows as I glance up from his hands to his face.

He slyly grins and shrugs, his hands still moving in small circles. "I have a feeling." He leans his face down toward his hands, his lips so close to my skin. I'm entranced and completely turned on. "Hey in there," he says as his hands push down a little. "Yoo-hoo?" His breath sweeps hot against my bare skin, and goosebumps cover me.

He must see them because he quickly moves away from me, almost scooting clearly to the other side of the couch. "I'm sorry," he looks down at my belly again.

"Don't be Edward. Please. I'm excited about it too." I slowly pull down my shirt.

He relaxes back into the couch and covers his eyes with his hands.

I try and bring us back to that comfortable place, "It says that my fatigue is normal and so is my need to pee every ten minutes." He looks at me and I smile and hold up the book. "You know, I really lucked out not having any nausea or morning sickness. From everything I've read, it could have been just awful."

He shuffles a little closer to me, but not as close as before. "Can I see?" He reaches for the book and I hand it over to him.

"Sure." I smile again letting him know that there is zero weirdness between us. None whatsoever.

He begins to read the book from the beginning, every so often grinning as he glances at me or at my belly.

I can't help but wish that we were sharing all this as a real family, and that he was the father of my baby, because I have no doubt in my heart, I love him as such.

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"No, Rosalie, I understand. I'll just ask Edward."

She apologizes again that she can't leave her shift at the clinic to take me to my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm a little aggravated that Rose nor Edward will let me leave the house by myself. The semester at school ended a month ago and after much deliberation from those two, I decided to wait until after the baby is born to re enroll.

"I'm sure. Don't worry about it. You've done enough Rose!"

I hang up my phone and sigh as I rub my belly. I was nineteen weeks yesterday and I now have a distinguishable pooch. I can't wear my jeans anymore, or my favorite capris. I'm stuck wearing anything that has a stretch waistband, yet when I wear a baggy shirt, you can't really tell that I'm that big.

I forgot to ask my doctor if she'll be doing the ultrasound tomorrow, I know that I'm far enough along to find out, but I haven't decided if I want to know what the sex is yet or not.

Why does every little thing worry me so?

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"How did-"

"Can you-" I start to talk at the same time Edward does as we sit at the kitchen table.

"Go ahead, Belly." He stands to begin to clear the table and I stand up to help.

"No, let me." He winks and I melt. I don't argue, I just sit back down and watch him. There's something so hot about a man in the kitchen. His bare feet. His shirt loose and un-tucked. His ugly gray sweat pants that have paint splattered all over them, and yet the butterflies in my belly take off in a swarm.

_The baby must love that!_

I look down and find my paper towel very interesting as I begin to talk. "Um, Rosalie called me earlier today and she can't get off work to take me to my appointment tomorrow and I know you are busy, and if the both of you weren't such controlling people, I'd just drive myself but, I just wanted to ask if you cared to go with me tomorrow?" I look up at him. He's all smiles and he's so cute.

He sits down beside me again with a thud, never taking his eyes off me. His expression is bewildered and maybe a little bit dazed. "I can take you? To the doctor? You really... want me to?"

"Well yeah. Of course, before Rosalie was always just... available so I never had to…ask you." I say as I shrug. "And I wasn't sure you would want to go?"

I watch as his Adam's apple slowly moves up and down his throat, and he seems to think about what to say next. I start to feel apprehensive because if he doesn't feel comfortable taking me, all he has to do is say so.

I stand up in frustration and push my chair under the table with more force than needed.

"Hey," Edward reaches out for my hand right before I turn to walk away. "Listen to me for a sec... I want to."

I try to hide my hurt, "You don't act like it."

I'm standing in front of him while he's still sitting at the table. He keeps his hold of my hand and his other hand goes to my belly again, this time outside my shirt. He looks up at me and then straight ahead to his hand on me. "It's just that, I always hear you and Rose come home after your appointments and gush about hearing the heartbeat and all, and.. And then me and you, we read out of that book everyday about what's happening with you and the baby... And I guess I've just been feeling left out. And now that you're asking me if I want to go, I was sort of shocked. Because I want to go. I want to go...bad."

My heart does flip flops in my chest and I wonder how I will ever not love this man. He just does and says everything so right.

Without realizing it, my empty hand covers his that's flat on my stomach. "Really? You've been feeling left out? I'm sorry." It makes me sad. I never wanted him to feel that way.

He nods and I squeeze his hand. "We have to be there at nine thirty and I don't like to be late." I try and give him my best serious face, but when he looks at me like that, with those eyes, it's all I can do to think and breathe at the same time.

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"Edward, stop fidgeting!" I say as I swat at his knee. He won't be still and I swear that people around us in the waiting room are watching him. It's embarrassing.

"I'm sorry, but Bella, I've never been in a..." he swirls his hand around my lower body, "you know." His eyes get big and he leans forward and without moving his lips he says, "...a coochie doctor's office."

"Oh my... Edward. Please don't ever say that again." I roll my eyes and shake my head.

He picks up a magazine off the table and looks at the front before quickly flipping it over and scanning the back cover. The next thing I know he has it rolled up and he's tapping it against his knee.

I reach over to try and snatch it out of his hand at the same time the nurse opens the door and says my name. I stand up and glare at Edward. His eyes are wide and he's white as a ghost, the magazine now laying on the floor.

"Oh, Mr. Swan, would you like to come on back with us?" The nurse smiles sweetly as she waves him back. I bite my lip holding back my laugh.

He quickly catches up with me as we walk down the hall. "So glad you decided to join us, Mr. Swan," I snicker and link my arm through his.

He shoves his hands in his pocket. "My pleasure."

She stops and tells Edward to sit in one of the rooms and leads me on back to the wall with the scale. I hate this part, almost as much as the part where the doctor examines my cooch, as Edward would say.

After the dreaded weigh-in, me peeing in a cup, the nurse checking my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature, she leads me back to where Edward is pacing the small confined room.

He sighs when I enter and sit down on the paper covered table.

"Edward, if you're this nervous at just an appointment, how are you going to survive when it's finally time to go to the hospital to have this baby?"

"Holy shit! I hadn't even thought about that." He loudly plops down in the seat beside me and buries his hands in his hair.

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"Okay, let's see here what we got." Aimee, the ultrasound tech says as she places the probe against my belly amidst all the goop she just squirted on there.

Edward scoots his chair closer, his arms folded beside me. He's watching the screen with rapt intensity, and just because I want to, I reach out and grab one of his hands in mine. His long fingers wrap around my short ones, I can't help but feel warm and good when it's like this. Us.

"This is the head, and this is the circumference..." Aimee slides the probe around while typing in something on her computer with her other hand. She does some type of measurements, and all I can think of is,'Wow, that's my baby! Look how gorgeous!'

She lets us hear the heartbeat while she points out the miniature heart beating quickly on the screen. That sound is like the most beautiful lullaby ever. My face is wet with happy tears as she continues to point out the spine, arms, and legs. She even counts the fingers and the toes. I squeeze Edward's hand over and over. Somehow it all becomes more real. I can't help but shut my eyes and say a prayer of thanks when she tells me that everything is perfect. The baby's the perfect size and everything looks just...perfect. Nothing is wrong or seems unusual. I feel so lucky and so blessed. She says we're right on schedule for the due date predicted.

I look over at Edward and I see the tear tracks that are still present on his face. His smile is so big and pleasing. I just want to hug him and celebrate.

"So, do you two want to know the gender?" Aimee interrupts my thoughts as she asks raising her eyebrows looking back from Edward to me.

I glance at him and he's nodding his head at me like crazy. His eyes are so animated, and I swear I can see the excitement dancing in them.

"Yes, please," I answer, not looking away from Edward. Somehow his face lights up even more and it's all I can do to turn away from his eyes when Aimee begins to move the wand around on my belly again.

Edward giggles. He giggles! And both his hands move to cover mine again.

"Well you know what to look for right?" She looks up at me before she looks back to the screen. "When I freeze the picture, if what you see resembles a hot dog, it's a boy. A hamburger means it's a girl."

I take a deep breath and watch the black and white image on the screen. I have to admit it looks like a lot of blobs and stuff, but angelic little perfect blobs.

The picture stills and me and Edward both lean forward a little more. She draws an arrow pointing toward something. I squint my eyes and focus.

She types out slowly, '- It's a..."

And then Edward yells this yell that sounds like a cross between a cowboy and a wolf. I'm not sure if it was a 'yee-haw' or a 'yippee' or what, but I think I jumped clear off the table in surprise.

The next thing I know his hands on are on my cheeks, his nose is touching my nose, and his lips are kissing the ever-loving breath out of me.

I never want him to stop.

He pulls his lips slightly away and leans his forehead against mine. "I told you Bella Swan, it's a boy!" he whispers in a warm voice. His sweet breath blowing across my lips that still taste like him, I find my eyes closing and my arms reaching out to hold him to me.

The joy and the bliss become too much and I begin to steadily cry. "Oh Edward," I gasp and clutch at the shirt that's stretched tight across his back.

His thumbs swipe my tears as they cascade down my face. "Congratulations, Belly."

His lips chastely kiss mine one more time before he drops his hands and looks toward the screen again.

"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Swan. You have one healthy boy here."

I laugh as she hands me two prints, one with a clear picture of his hot dog and the words,'It's a boy' pointing at it. The other is a print of his profile. I trace the dark spot where his eyes are, the tiny curve of his chubby nose, and his lips - barely open and just... perfect.

I hand them to Edward and smile, because I swear to my goodness, how could this day get any better? I mean, what more could I really ask for? First, I find out that my baby is perfectly healthy, that was what I wanted more than anything! Then, to learn it's a boy while being kissed by the love of my life! Almost all my dreams have come true... almost.

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"Edward!" I yell. "Oh my... Hurry! Come here, Edward!"

It only takes him seconds to be at my side. He had just gone into the bathroom to take a shower. He's not wet yet, but he obviously was naked. He must have grabbed at the first towel he could find, because it's a little small to be wrapped around him. Unfortunately, it does hide his goods.

"What is it Bella?" He's out of breath from his sprint down the stairs.

I grab his hand. "Feel," I whisper as I place his hand under my shirt on the spot on my belly I just felt flutter a second ago. I've been feeling this feeling for days, dismissing it as gas or air bubbles or whatever, until this morning. Today it was undeniable. That feeling was my baby boy moving, and I want Edward to feel it too.

"Did you..?" He leans toward me more on the couch, his towel falling open a little, his right thigh teasing me.

I take a deep breath and nod at him.

We sit very still for just a long minute...waiting.

Then I feel it again and Edward looks up at me. "Was that him?" His smile lights up the room brighter than any sunlight ever could. I want to kiss his dimples that only show when he smiles that big.

"Yes, that was him." I say as I nod and look down at Edward's hand on my belly.

"Wow."

"I know." It is kind of awesome, all of it really - Edward, me, the baby.

We sit like that for a long time. Every time I feel a movement, I move Edward's hands to that place on my stomach. He tells me he's skipping class today even though it was just last week he missed it to take me to my doctor's appointment. He says he's just too excited to miss this and be away from me today.

I'm not kidding, I love that man.

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We never talk about the kiss, you know, the one that rocked my world. But after my ultrasound appointment, Edward and I somehow became even closer. Most nights he ends up in the bed with me. He can read my shifting moods without asking me what's wrong. He can tell when I'm having a bad day and I just need him beside me - not talking, not doing - just being. He knows how to make me laugh until I almost pee myself, and he knows how to calm me when I start to panic a little over this whole motherhood thing.

He's always just there, for me. Close enough to touch, close enough to love, but just out of reach to keep as my own.

His hands are never far from my ever growing belly and that's fine by me. I'll continue to live in my fantasy world where his hands are there because he's possessive and he's staking his claim.

He talks to the baby every day. Once or twice he's even sang to him. His voice was low and quiet, and I couldn't really tell what he was saying, but it was all I could do to not confess my love to him and beg for him to never leave me. I mean, us – never leave us.

But I didn't say anything. I just fought back the tears and watched him. I wonder if he realizes that he makes me smile without even trying to and I love him with all the love I have.

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"Ms. Swan how long have you been experiencing these headaches?" Dr. Volturi asks as she looks through my chart.

"Um," I look over at Edward. He tilts his head to the side before he comes to stand beside me.

"It's been almost two weeks, Dr. Volturi. She says they get worse in the evenings, and sometimes she feels sick to her stomach, too." Edward watches Dr. Volturi as she flips though my chart. I see the worry lines increase on Edward's pretty forehead, I want to rub them away.

The doctor nods her head and Edward grabs my hand. I'm only two days shy of being thirty one weeks pregnant, and suddenly, I'm very uneasy.

"Ms. Swan, do you know what preeclampsia is?"

I nod my head in response, because I practically have all those chapters in the book memorized.

"These symptoms you have are all symptoms of preeclampsia. We need to watch this very closely. I'm going to send you to the hospital so they can monitor you for a couple of hours, but Ms. Swan, if you feel worse..." She looks over to Edward and emphasizes, "Or if she complains of anything, it is important she be seen immediately. Do you understand?"

Edward and I both nod like bobbleheads stuck in an earthquake. Dr. Voluri calls for the nurse to come into the room, and the nurse gives Edward instructions for us to head on over to the hospital. Then she gives him a brochure with all the warning signs and symptoms of preeclampsia. I try not to worry, but I can't help it. I don't want to do anything that puts my baby boy in danger, and even though I know there's nothing I can do to prevent this, I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.

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In just a couple of weeks, things can go from okay to completely terrible.

I'm lying on my left side in my bed holding back my tears. I just returned home from a two night stay in the hospital. My symptoms got worse. I had a bout with nausea that lasted for days, I couldn't keep anything down. My hands and feet swelled until they ached. Edward called an ambulance and I was admitted, only to have my fears confirmed that yes, I do have preeclampsia.

Dr. Volturi said I'm right at that borderline and that if I get any worse, I'll have to have an emergency c-section. But for now, we're trying to control it with strict bed rest. She said she'd like for me to be able to hold off at least another four weeks, until I'm thirty seven weeks, but that if it came down to it, I could have this baby any day. She stresses that delivery will be the only cure if I get any worse.

Now, I'm forced to lie in bed and do nothing, but what ends up happening, is that I worry about everything, all day, every day. I'm not really sure how this is supposed to make me feel better, how it's supposed to help my condition? Stress is bad, right?

Sure, Edward's always here if he's not at the academy, but still, I'm alone.

There's a home health nurse who comes every other day to check my blood pressure, and my swelling and such, but I still feel that ache. The one that constantly reminds me how alone in this world I truly am. I know it may be due to those pregnancy hormones, but I'm burdened with sadness. Any day my life could change forever and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. What if I make a mistake? This little guy will count on me for everything. What if I let him down? I mean, for goodness sakes, look at my own mother! She left me and Emmett when we were just kids. We got out of bed one Saturday morning to find her bed empty and her car gone. My father was sitting silently at the kitchen table, I was more worried about him than I was about anything else, even her being gone. He looked so lost and so broken and not once has she ever called to apologize. Not once has she ever contacted us and admitted that she made a mistake. How can she just not care like that? Can mother's really do that? What if things like that run in our family? What if it's some kind of emotional defect that I genetically have in my brain that doesn't surface until I am officially a mother?

What if I can't do this?

I glance over at the clock and wish that it was time for Edward to be home. I need him. There's something in his eyes that I can hone in on, and the calm washes over me quickly, like I'm standing naked in the pouring rain. There's this tone to his voice, he can speak just one syllable and I can breathe deep and free. There's this feeling that overcomes me with his touch - whether it's just his fingers linked with mine, or his palm against my belly, or his arms holding me tight - I want to get lost there in that feeling. In that magical space that's not affected by the ugly of this world. I want to close my eyes and twirl and spin around selfishly, and never be found. He gives me that. For the first time ever, my house feels like a home. A safe place that blanketed in love and caring, and brimming with hope, real or imagined.

But as soon as he's gone, when he's not physically here with me, the truth rears it's ugly head and reminds me that what I feel isn't real. Or maybe that it not that what I feel is fake, but it's as one-sided as it gets. I'm only his best friend's little sister who was in a rough spot. I needed help and Edward was available. I know he isn't bothered by watching over me. I know he's still living his life the way he wants to. I know that he wants to take care of me, but I also know that I want more than he does. I'm setting myself up for a steep fall and the worst of it is, I'm going to bring my baby down with me.

What does that say about me? If that isn't the most selfish thing, I don't know what it is.

The time I've spent in this bed or on the couch, alone or not, has really got me thinking. I need to seriously plan out my future, after all, it involves more than just me now. Even though Edward will be here for months to come, I have to push him away. Or more like bury what I'm feeling for him.

It's time I learn to be happy on my own.

I don't need that kind of love, the kind that consumes and burns. The kind that swallows you up and then spits you out. The love that I've dreamed about my whole life.

Dreams are just wishes that your heart makes known. Wishes that you can tuck away and save for later. Wishes that you never outgrow. Wishes that you never stop wishing. You dream and you wish. You wish and you dream, but life goes on relentlessly, and it seems like every day you look forward to the night, to dream that wish all over again. Edward is my wish. Edward is my dream and I don't know if there will ever be day that I feel differently, no matter what I do.

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Rose left two weeks ago to spend some time with Emmett in Germany. I think she's staying a month or so and they'll be back home not long after the baby is born.

One of them will call me within the hour, we'll go over how I'm feeling and what the nurse said the last time she was here.

I know it's because they care, but sometimes I feel like they think I can't handle all this. It makes me defensive and it hurts. It makes me want to scream and shout and tell them to back off. To have a little faith in me.

Instead, I fill them in on everything and tell them I miss them, because I do. Even through them hounding and suffocating me, I miss them. So much.

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I open my eyes and roll my neck to the side. The television is on but muted. I look over and see Edward, he's awake and watching me. His eyes worried and tentative.

A loud crash of thunder fills the quiet of the room. There's a storm moving in. The television suddenly goes blue. Edward reaches for the remote grumbling about the 'stupid satellite losing signal every time the wind blows.' He turns off the tv and asks if I'm all right.

Through the overcast night, I can still make out the angles in his face, I see the concern on his brow, I feel the way my heart soars high and wild with him so close...

"I can't get comfortable," I confess.

A flash of lightning illuminates the room. I see him shift and then as the room goes back to gray, his arms lift toward me and motion, "Come here."

His voice is like an ointment for my ache, I can't not go to him.

I roll and lie on my side, my head on his stomach. Somehow it's just the correct height to ease the discomfort from my back.

He rubs all over my shoulders and my back, firm but gentle. He massages my muscles and I feel the pads of his fingers coax the pain away, while the uneasiness of my soul lifts too.

"I need to talk to you." I close my eyes and will away the dread that suffocates me with hearing him speak those six little mediocre words.

I nod, "Yeah?"

"You remember my Uncle Carlisle and Aunt Esme?" His fingers roll that spot in between my shoulder blades and a moan slips from my lips instead of the yes I intended to say.

He pauses for a split second, then his hands creep up and graze the skin of my neck, under my hair. His touch on my bare skin, it's like heaven on earth. His movements begin again. My skin tingles and fizzes, while my heart smiles and sighs.

"They're coming to town for a few weeks, and..." He stops, his large hand wraps around the back of my neck, pausing while he contemplates...something.

As much as I love the feel of him touching me, I can plainly hear the distress in his voice. "And?" I urge him on.

"Well, if you want him to, Uncle Carlisle said he would write up all the paper work you need to send to Riley."

I sit straight up, well as slow as over-sized pregnant woman can sit up.

His hand falls to the bed behind me. "That is what you said you wanted, right?" Edward leans forward to see my face.

I turn to speak to him. "Of course. I don't think Riley will want anything to do with this baby, so I'd rather him just go ahead and sign away his rights now. I don't want years from now for him to think..." I shake my head. "For him to think he's entitled just because he's the sperm donor. I don't want his name, or his money, I just want him to stay away."

Edward pulls me back to him. My shoulder tucked to his side as much as it will fit. His hand goes back to my hair, fingering and tugging, soothing me so easily.

"Carlisle can do that for you, he wants to. If you'll accept his help that is. I mean they are going to be in town anyway..." his voice trails off.

"Why?" I almost hum.

"Why are they going to be in town?" Edward asks.

I nod.

"That's something else I need to talk to you about."

My shoulders fall and Edward laughs. "No, it's a good thing."

"Tell me." I breathe out, not really sure that I want to know.

"You recall that Esme is an interior designer right? And my second cousin, Alice, she's doing an apprenticeship with Aunt Esme, and she needed a project to do. So... I might have suggested that they come here to Florida and decorate a baby room?" His voice slows and raises with the end of his sentence.

"No, you didn't?" I can't help but feel... helpless again.

"Please, hear me out. We only have one wall painted so far. No furniture. Nothing. We need everything. And cost is not a factor, they pay for it all-"

It doesn't slip past my ears, nor my heart that he said 'we' - but still. "Edward, cost is not a factor to me either. I have my father's inheritance. I just can't let them...do it all."

"Yes you can, Belly. Think if it as a favor. They want to do this for me and for you. They've always been so respectful of my decision to live here with you and Emmett and Charlie. They could have fought for my custody, but they didn't. They let me stay here, and now they want to give something back to you, for all that. You know?"

I nod in acceptance, but not because I agree.

"Just think about it okay?" His arms tighten around me, and I close my eyes to disconnect myself from all this.

I'd rather think about how he's holding me and how I wished he'd never let go.

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There is a flurry of activity in the house. Up and down the stairs. The screen on the back door open and slams shut. Up and down. Open and shut.

I take the pillow and cover my head.

This has been going on now for three days. I agreed to let them do whatever they wanted. Esme is as sweet and kind as ever. Alice is a little energetic thing, but it's funny, because when her brain starts working, she almost freezes in her shoes. Then after she works it all our in her head, the whirlwind around her starts again.

Alice, Esme, and I sat up late into the night talking right after they got here. It was so easy to talk to them. They reminded me how much I missed female companionship, that void that even someone as perfect as Edward Cullen can't fill.

I can't deny that I enjoy having them around, and after they're gone, I'll miss them.

"Bella?"

I peek out from underneath my pillow. I'd know those knobby knees anywhere.

"What are you hiding from?" Edward asks as he sits down at the end of the couch and pulls my feet into his lap.

I sigh. Some days, like today, there is this bubble of emotion that sticks right there in my windpipe and with just the tiniest movement, I'm afraid it will burst and I will feel too much.

"I'm ready for this to be over." I rub over the enormous bump of my stomach and leave off the rest of the explanation of what's going on inside me.

His eyes watch my hand circle. "That's understandable. Just keep telling yourself, you're in the homestretch."

"Doesn't help," I deadpan as I shrug my shoulders.

"Should I cancel tonight?" His hands joins mine on my stomach while the other rests on my over sized ankle, which now should be called a cankle, because it's fat. Too fat.

"What's tonight?" I ask as I concentrate on the feel of my blood zinging through my veins at the two places where Edward is touching me. Back and forth, back and for-

"The ball thing. Remember? The military ball?" His shoulders slump forward in the slightest way, but it's enough for me to notice. "Alice is going to stay with you, but I can call and cancel Bella, I don't have to go."

I don't like the way my mind is spinning. There's so much to take in, it's like I'm drowning in the air around me because it's too think to inhale.

"What? Call who?" I press the heels of my palms into my eyes to stop the onslaught of all these feelings.

"Well, remember? You can't go, so I'm talking Tanya, my classmate from the Academy. Neither one of us had a date, so it's kind of a last minute-"

"No! Just, um.. no. Don't - don't cancel. Go. Have fun." I swallow hard as I spit the words and pretend to be all right with him going out on a date.

"I'll just call her. It's okay." He picks my feet up off of his lap and stands.

"Edward stop! I don't-" I pause and close my eyes before everything in me betrays what I know I have to do and I give it all away. "Please go...go to your dance and have a good time and don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm looking forward to some girl time with Alice." And even as my heart cracks, I smile... and pretend... and push.

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I shower and change my clothes. I even pull up my hair so I don't look like such a slob. Then I wait for the nightmare to commence.

"Tanya, this is Bella." I extend my swollen hand to her pretty slim one.

"Bella, this is Tanya."

She sits down beside me on the couch. "Hey, you do have a remarkable pregnancy glow. It's beautiful." She looks from me to Edward and I don't miss the wink she gives him. She makes me feel like I'm a maim animal at the zoo. I refrain from gagging.

"Can I?" She asks as her hand hovers over my belly.

What in the hell am I supposed to say? _Please keep your perfectly skinny manicured digits away from me and my baby. And my man too! _I wish. "Of course... you can." I grit my teeth as I speak.

Her hand gently touches my swell and the look in her eyes is as though she's never touched a pregnant belly before. She looks in awe...of me.

Edward joins her, his hand mapping me like he's done it a million times, because he has. His touch is familiar and warm. His eyes watch my face, as if he can read how I feel by the look in my eyes.

He's wrong. He can't.

"Knock-knock." Alice announces as she walks through the front door.

Edward and Tanya both go over to greet her and I take the opportunity to catch my breath and bury my jealousy. I can't believe I ever let myself think that maybe someday Edward could love me like I love him. Not when he has women like that to date, and kiss, and whatever else he will do with her tonight.

Edward looks fantastic as ever in his black suit. It makes him look so much like a man - a gorgeous, wonderful, handsome man.

And there's Tanya, she's pretty much his equal. She's all perfect figure and glossy hair. Long legs and red, pouty lips. Her dress is black, short, and looks flawless on her.

They look so good together, it hurts me everywhere.

"Alice, you want to go upstairs and watch a movie?" I need to run, and since I'm as big as a side of a barn, the quickest place I can go is my bedroom.

"Yeah, sure." She looks from me to Edward to Tanya and I swear you can feel the pity is in this room. It's thick and heavy, like swamp water after a drought and I know it's directed at me.

I bite my lips to try and keep my tears from brimming. I force a smile as I walk past them. As I move toward the stairs, I look only at Alice. I can only take so much.

"Goodnight, Bella." Edward calls from behind me.

When I reach the top step I take a steady breath and answer, "Have fun. Bye guys."

Instead of my bedroom, I go straight to the bathroom. I lock the door just as my tears wet my cheeks. I wrap my arms around my belly as I sink to sit on the edge on the tub.

"I'm sorry little man. I promise mommy's trying to do better for you. We can get through this," I softly speak to the little bundle of perfection doing flip-flops in my belly. "We're going to be all right. I swear. With or without Edward Cullen."

"Bella? Are you all right?" Alice asks from the other side of the door.

I wipe my face and pull myself up to stand, "Yeah, I'm okay. I'll be out in just a second. Go on in my bedroom and pick us out something to watch."

I lean over the sink and splash my face with some cold water. I stand and watch as the water mixes with my tears and they swirl and empty down the drain.

If only washing away love was that easy.

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"Bella? What are you doing out here?" Edward walks through the back door onto the porch.

I glance through the door at the clock on the wall in the kitchen. It's only ten forty-two. "Why are you home so early?" I ask.

Edward comes over and sits beside me on the porch swing. The night air is just right. It's not too hot or too humid. There's a light breeze that cools the skin. And even though a storm rages in my soul, the evening's otherwise perfect.

"You should be in bed." He says with concern and a little bit of authority.

"Alice conked out in the middle of the movie, so I came out here to get some fresh air and clear my head. What about you? You didn't have a curfew you know?" I bump his arm with my elbow.

"You know how it is, dances aren't really my thing." I see the small smile that plays on his lips and his eyes reflecting the moonlight, and the hurt I felt before grows and throbs.

"What about Tanya? Isn't she your kind of thing?" I say it with more venom than I should have, but it spills before I can stop it.

"Tanya?" He shakes his head stiffly. "Gah, just...no. She asked me to go as her date because her boyfriend had just dumped her and she assumed he was going to bring a date."

Even though the moon is bright, and the stars are twinkling, my skin warms as though I'm on the beach lying in the summer sun. "Did he come?"

The baby kicks hard, and I wince. I cover the spot with my hand and push a little to encourage him to stop with the soccer practice on my ribs.

"Is he moving around?" Edward scoots closer to me on the swing. His leg touching mine all the way from his hip to my foot. He puts his arm around the back of the seat and his other lays beside mine on my stomach.

I shouldn't give in. Not to his comfort and his warmth. Not to my silly crush and the hope that revels in it. Not to the way I feel when it's him and me and my dreams of us, but I can't help it. I give in anyway. I relax into his side. I tuck my body into his. I lay my head on his shoulder. I place my hand over his, moving it around so he can feel the tumbles and the bumps.

Then I close my eyes and I wish.

I wish on every falling star that may fall tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month.

I wish that someday I will find a man that loves me the way I love Edward. That we will love each other endlessly. That we will have a family that others envy and that outlasts every hardship that may come at us.

"Her boyfriend showed." Edward says as he pushes off the porch floor with his toes and we start to swing.

"Hmm?" I almost forgot that we were having a conversation.

"Tanya's guy came and he didn't bring a date. He was planning on meeting Tanya there."

I suppress my giggle as I bury my face into Edward's shoulder. "I'm sorry." I fan my face and try to stop laughing. "That's kind of crappy that she left you hanging like that. You know, dateless and all."

"No, really it's not. I didn't want to be there. She gave me an excuse to leave." I feel the fingertips of his hand that's on the back of the swing toying with the ends of my ponytail.

I sigh.

"The whole reason I planned on going to that military ball was so that I could watch you dance." He devilishly grins at me.

My face warms again.

"That's nice. Make fun of the pregnant girl that can't dance." I look away, because each time he looks at me like that, and I feel like this, I fall a little more.

More than I thought was possible.

"Don't give me that. I've seen you dance, Bella Swan. It's a sight to behold." His hand circles my stomach and I snuggle more into his side.

"Well maybe someday soon I'll cut a rug with you. I'll even teach you how to do the Electric Slide. And the Dougie."

The swing shifts as his head falls back when he laughs.

"I'm going to hold you to that."

I nod and hope that he keeps his promise.

And after what feels like only seconds of us swinging silently, I swear I think I feel him kiss the top of my head.

Then there I go wishing again.

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The room seems hot and I feel so dizzy. I try to sit up and it's like I'm weighted down.

"Edward," I fumble in the darkness and blindly reach out for him.

A pain shoots down my side and I grunt. Right after it subsides, a wave of nausea hits me and I cover my mouth just in case.

"Edward," I say a little louder, "Edward, I don't feel right."

He quickly sits up and flicks on the lamp. "What's wrong?"

I tell him how I feel as another intense spasm moves from my back to my front, and then up under my ribs.

"Bella, you're really pale and," he reaches up to touch my head. "You're soaking wet. Just lie still."

Panic bubbles up inside me and after everything I've read, every bad thing that could possibly go wrong invades my thoughts.

"Something's wrong, Edward. I can feel it." I can barely speak. My lips feel swollen and dry.

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit." Edward begins to move around the room in a hustle.

My eyes involuntarily close and my breaths come really fast. "Edward... hurry."

"I'm calling an ambulance Bella, just a second. Relax." Edward's voice fades out as though he's moving away from me.

The light around me dims while the pain wraps around me. I want to cry out, but I just don't have the energy.

Then I feel almost numb all over even though I'm terrified. "Hang on baby," I say or maybe I only think it...

**_"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... _****_when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."_**

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><p>More information on preeclampsia can be found here: www. preeclampsia. org  health-information/ signs-and-symptoms

**I will trade you an EPOV snippet from this chapter for a kind review. ;)**

Everything will be addressed next chapter, EVERYTHING!

I'm going to pretty busy for the next couple of weeks, but I promise to try & get the last chapter up as soon as I can.

~Stacy

Twitter: Mrs_Robward


	3. Chapter 3, The End

**A/N:** It's here, the final chapter of this triple shot. Sorry for the delay, it was everything and nothing. I'm posting all the author's notes up here, so you can review after you've read and your review will not be muddled by my words.

There were some of you that reviewed the previous chapters and wanted the EPOV replies, but you had your PMs turned off, so I couldn't respond. I'm sorry and I hope I didn't skip anyone. I'm not too proficient at that. I am MEGA behind on review replies right now, please be patient.

I am truly blown away at the love this fic has received. I thank you all!

If there is a want, some time I'll post a 4th chapter outtake in all EPOV. More or less all the good stuff from this whole fic that you didn't get to hear from Edward, including the snippets I sent out in replies. . ALL of it. Yep, and if you review, you'll get a teaser of it too before it posts on here.

As I've said before, I am NO medical expert. All the info I get is from Google. The medical stuff in this chapter was researched, but don't hold me to it. I hate research.

My wifey, **beegurl13** read this for me as I went, you can all thank her for the lemon, it was her idea, then she fixed it and talked me off the ledge of deleting it all. **Tracy** also has been a good cheerleader and prereader, and held my hand all through this. **Kikikinz** also was sweet enough to beta'd for me, all three chapters and encouraged me to give you MORE.

Other than the peeps I mentioned above I wanna dedicate this to all of you who PMd me on FFN or Twitter or FB, or who asked about FLH in a review for LG or on GChat, thank you from the depths of my Robward lovin heart.

**Amie**, this is all for you. I hope I haven't let you down. You bought this in the FGB & ever so slowly I wrote it. The baby's name is all for you. I pray you enjoy.

Everyone, try not to choke on all the fluff below.

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><p><em>Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me<em>

_And how long I've waited for your touch_

_And if you knew how happy you are making me_

_I never thought that I'd love anyone so much_

_It feels like home to me__..._

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><p>It's strange how emotions can be the same, yet so different, take love for example. With Edward it was a drip, like a leaky faucet. My love for him slowly trickled everyday, soon overflowing a teacup and spilling into the saucer. Through the years the unrelenting drizzle caused a splash over the rim of a bucket and wet the floors. It never stopped. It was just a tiny bit, every day. The love grew and grew. Slow. Steady. Seeping. Filling and overflowing my heart for as long as I could remember.<p>

Then the nurse gently places my baby in my arms and the love is a tidal wave. It instantly surges over me and I drown. The tide is strong, the current is swift. I can't pull away. The things I feel for this child, this innocence, is such an overwhelming flow of so many feelings, I don't know how I ever lived without it. The wave of emotions mimic a tsunami, they just kept coming, fast and deep. Saturating and engulfing. Taking over.

Love. Adoration. Joy. Awe. Fright. Security. Alarm. Worry. Blessedness. Perfection. Enchantment. Weakness.

I couldn't keep up and I couldn't stay afloat. I never reached for the shore. I never gulped for air. Time simply stood still.

My heart felt too large for my body.

All the feelings that I felt for my baby suddenly filled holes in my soul that I didn't even know were there.

I had purpose. I witnessed miracles. My arms were full and my future was promising.

See, love is the same.

But different.

And I wouldn't trade either kind for all the wealth of the world.

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"You okay?" Edward talks in a whisper as he stands at my bedside, one hand on the back of C.J.'s head, the other resting above my pile of brown tangles on my pillow.

I nod because words have left me. I don't know what to say, all I can do is let my emotions weigh me down and ground me to this bed so I don't float away.

The bustle around us has finally subdued to nothing.

It's just us three, kind of like I always wanted it to be.

Edward pulls a chair close to my bed and sits on the edge of the seat, I assume not wanting to waste any space between us.

I appreciate the gesture.

"You're naming him C.J. huh?" Edward strokes C.J.'s hair as I hold him. There's so much of it. It's so black and soft and shiny - like a raven's winter coat.

"Yeah. Do you like it? Christian after Emmett Christian, and then James after daddy, Charles James." I can't seem to look away from C.J.'s perfect, beautiful face.

"So, C.J. for short, and you know what?" I ask Edward, because he needs to know this, "if there was a way I could add an Anthony or an Edward to his name, I would." I look up at Edward to gauge his reaction.

He swallows hard, not returning my stare. "Bella..." he shakes his head, "...no."

I look back down to C.J., "Hmmm, I wish …" I quietly state and leave it at that, not knowing how to explain it. Not knowing how to tell him I want to name my baby after all the men I love.

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"Will you take him? My arm's going numb." I motion for Edward to pick him up.

He stands and wipes his palms down the front of his jeans. His forehead scrunches in concentration and he reaches forward. I notice his hands are a little shaky. He touches C.J. so delicately and tentatively. He seems hesitant so I encourage him, "It's all right. Go ahead. You won't break him, Edward."

He huffs out his nose and begins to worry his bottom lip with his top teeth. One large hand scoops under C.J.'s head and then the other under his bottom. He slowly lifts him away from my arms and I immediately miss all six pounds and three ounces of him resting against me.

Edward carefully sits back down in the chair and cradles C.J. into his arms.

I've never seen anything more precious.

I watch as Edward studies and admires him. The room is quiet and still, yet all the noise that fills the halls of the hospital around us sneaks into our room.

"You had me so worried Bella, it was all I could stand. It was even worse than before. I couldn't fathom the thought of something happening to you… " he takes an unsteady breath, not looking away from the baby in his arms. "Or to him. It was awful."

I reach out to comfort him somehow. He's still looking down at C.J. so I lightly let my fingertips dance through his hair. "I'm sorry," I confess, easy and true.

From what the doctors have explained to me, I had an eclamptic seizure. Edward did the right thing by calling an ambulance. They arrived right as my body began to convulse. The EMTs immediately gave me an IV of magnesium sulfate to decrease the risk of me seizing again.

I was rushed here to the hospital. As soon as I arrived, the L&D staff prepped me for an emergency c-section because C.J. was showing signs of compromise - his little heart was failing.

I don't remember any of it.

The ambulance ride, arriving at the hospital, my cesarean section, his delivery. All I know is I came to, groggy and sore, and not pregnant anymore. I was in a recovery room and nurses were around me encouraging me to wake me up.

I do recall panicking, worried about my baby, but I was quickly calmed when they carried him over to me and held him up in front of my face.

The nurses told me he was fine, perfectly fine matter of fact. The danger was over and everything was going to be all right. I've never been more relieved in my life, never.

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"Ms. Swan, do you need anything?" A tall, older nurse sticks her head in the door and asks.

"We're fine, thanks." I answer.

She nods her head and narrows her eyes at Edward before pulling the door back closed.

"I don't think that nurse and I need to be in the same room," Edward fumes.

"Why?" I question.

He shakes his head and then pauses, before looking up at me. I see tears welling up in his eyes. I notice the muscles in his jaws working overtime. "Right after you were admitted she told me to call whoever needed to make the choice of whom they were to save." He speaks slow and quiet, and there is so much turbulence in this voice, it takes my breath away.

"What?" I gasp out.

He swallows hard and shrugs. "Yeah, she implied one of you was not going to make it." He stops talking and tries to smooth down C.J.'s hair. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't call Emmett or .. I couldn't decide something like that. I'd rather die myself."

"I'm sorry," I whisper again as tears spill over my eyelids and run down my cheeks. "She shouldn't have asked that of you."

Edward sucks in his lips and nods his head. He lifts C.J. up to his face. Edward tucks C.J.'s miniature body up under his chin right after he kisses him on his chubby cheek.

"You're both okay now. That's all that matters. I have you both." He says as his whole body relaxes, maybe saying it to me or maybe to himself, I'm not entirely sure.

I sigh and lean back into my bed as I watch them, and I have to agree, "Yeah, you do."

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After an extended hospital stay, I was more than excited to get back to my house and do this on my own.

Being a mother, it seems to come natural to me. Thank goodness!

I mean, I still freak out a lot. I worry about carrying for his belly button and his little pee-pee after his circumcision.

I agonize about if he's eating enough or if his belly hurts. If he needs to burp again and if his poop is the right consistency.

I tried to breast feed him in the hospital and I freaked out about that, too. I know I gave up too easily and should have tried harder to get it right, but I have confidence that every thing's going to work out anyway. At least this way, I can monitor how much he's getting with each bottle.

I fret about his diaper changes and his baths and hurting him while I'm changing his clothes. After the first incident of being sprayed on with runaway pee, I know at least to squint my eyes and shut my mouth until I can cover up his goods with a clean diaper.

I check on him when he's sleeping or when I think it's been too long in between his feedings.

The only time I'm at peace is when that teeny child is in my arms, or in Edward's. Somehow, my brain thinks that we when we hold him he's safe and protected. That our bodies form a shield, a cocoon around him and nothing will or can ever go wrong.

How naive is that?

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Six weeks in and Edward's a natural. One day, his wife will be so proud of what an awesome father he can be and I will totally keep my emotions out of it when that day comes. He deserves all the happiness in the world, even if I want it to be with me.

At least I hope he gives me and C.J. credit for all his practice.

He doesn't let me get up in the night, even when I wake up. He strokes my hair and tells me to go back to sleep, to let him do it 'this time.' But 'this time' is every time and it makes me feel guilty.

We still sleep in my bed. When I first got home, it just kinda happened. C.J.'s bassinet was in my bedroom and me or Edward would camp out on the bed giving the other company and then one of us would just fall asleep.

Usually me.

Then C.J. would whimper and Edward would do that thing - his fingers in my hair, his palm on my cheek whispering for me to fall back asleep, to let him handle it 'this time.'

More than once I woke up to Edward asleep holding C.J. on the couch, or the rocker, or laying with him in between us in the bed.

I bet there's a place in heaven like that, one that gives you that warm, smooth feeling inside just by chance of gazing upon it.

Simply beautiful.

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I sit in the rocker in C.J.'s room holding him as he sleeps. Emmett and Rose will be here in a few days. C.J. finally gets to meet his uncle Em. I can't wait.

There are lots of times, I don't want to put him down. I just want him as close to me as possible, him sleeping or not.

I can't stop touching his face or counting his toes or caressing his skin.

I'm amazed at just how perfect he is and that he came out of _me_.

Not even once have I thought ill of his sperm donor of a father. I don't resent Riley, not at all. Everything he put me through was worth it. I would have taken it a hundred times worse if it would have still ended up like this.

I know that sometimes, when I have too long to sit around and ponder, I think about how insecure I was to stay with him. How I let him control me. How, even after he assaulted me and was long gone, I let him break my spirit, too.

His words hurt more than his fists ever did.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I'll ever be confident in another relationship. I think that's pretty evident with how I let myself fall for the unattainable. It''s easy to love from afar, to never put myself out there. To never admit to Edward that I love him like I do. I know it's cowardly. It's a form of self preservation as to not have to hear and accept the rejection.

It's safe.

But it's also so heartbreaking.

So many times I've almost let it slip how much I love him. How he makes me feel so safe. I want to tell him how appreciative I am of him and how I feel like I owe him the world.

And there are times when he looks at me, and there is this tenderness in his eyes, my love for him seems to be the most natural thing in the world.

How when he holds me or touches me that I lose myself. My grip on reality slips. My heart beats fast and my body sings out to him. And how when he's gone away from me, a piece of myself is missing.

I love that moment when he comes back to us, every day, it's always the same. For just a moment, he seems to be as happy to see us, as we are to see him.

I want to ask him to stay with me forever, to see if he thinks that one day he might be able to love me as I love him.

I sometimes feel the need to confess to him that I am scared of losing him in ways that I really don't even have him. Scared that I will never feel for another man the way I do him. Scared that I will lose this feeling that I only feel with him. How even though I've known him my whole life, it's just been in the past year that I've realized that he's the one that changed me, made me find myself. How when he's here with me, I feel at home. It feels like home to me, it feels like I'm right where I belong.

Through all the turmoil I've been through, he's never left my side, and I will never, ever forget it. He's not only been my sun, my constant source of light, he's also been my moon, shining on me in darkness. Always there, no matter what. For me. With me.

C.J. yawns and stretches and I smile and snuggle him closer.

I can't help but wonder if this type of love can sustain me. Will it really be enough? This intense love I feel for my baby may actually be the only fairy tale love I'm destined to have. I'm sure there is no way I could possibly love C.J. more and I almost think I'm a little unworthy of the love and devotion this child already gives to me.

Yeah, maybe that is enough.

I mean, I can't be too greedy. Having one boy love me endlessly will have to be enough.

It will just have to be.

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I wake up and look at the clock, it almost three in the morning.

I sit up and notice that Edward is gone and so is C.J.

I stand and stretch.

I hear the creak of the rocker in the nursery.

I creep down the hall on my tip toes and listen.

Edward is talking to him, but he's being so quite I can't make out what he's saying.

Then Edward laughs and my breath catches.

I step closer to the open door and lean my head forward.

"Yeah, soon that little smile will be a laugh, and you know what they say about the first laugh of a baby, right?" I giggle at his baby talk. It's a little higher pitched than he normally speaks and a little faster too.

"Well, when the first baby laughed his very first laugh, the laughter broke into a thousand pieces and those pieces all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born it's first laugh becomes a fairy."

My eyes wet and I open my mouth to breathe easier, although the lump that just ballooned in my throat is making it difficult.

Edward hears me and he looks up, "Look, it's your Mommy."

I slowly blow out as I walk toward them. "What are you two doing awake at this early hour?" I sniff and try to compose myself.

"I'm just being selfish," Edward sighs.

"What?" I ask as I rub C.J.'s crazy hair.

"Emmett will be here soon and I'll have to share him."

I smile and nod, "I've thought about that too."

"This is my favorite time of the day." Edward starts to sway him back and forth. "Being alone with him."

I feel my heart begin to rip a little and I'm not sure exactly why.

"I sure do love this little guy," he says undoubtedly.

It suddenly hits me like a ten ton wrecking ball.

Edward loves C.J.

_But__not__..._

The rip tears clean in two.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I can't allow this to go on any longer.

It's a good thing Em is coming tomorrow, I need to talk to him.

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"So what you want to talk to me about, Sis?" Emmett asks as he sits down beside me and throws his arm around my shoulders on the porch swing.

Rose is upstairs rocking C.J. I could tell she's been wanting some alone time with him since they arrived a few days ago.

Edward's still at the Academy today, he won't be home until later. He only has a few more days until he graduates and he will become Officer Cullen.

"Did you hear that I got the papers back from Riley. There was no contest. He signed off on all his paternal rights." It makes me so happy to know this will never come up again. Riley will never be able to fight me for my baby.

"Really?" Em asks as he starts to swing us.

"I figured as much. But, yeah, I'm officially the sole parent on C.J.'s birth certificate. And Carlisle said that if and when Riley gets out of prison, we'll file a no contact order or a restraining order, or whatever it is. So, he can never come near us."

"It's a good thing, I don't ever want you to talk to him or see him again. I mean it. I'd hate to have to kill him for what he did to you. I still want to as it is." Emmett looks away and I can clearly see that he's disturbed about the whole Riley situation. The pasts four days he's been here, we've talked a lot about it. I think he understands it was the first and the last time Riley hit me. I've apologized more times than I can count.

"I'm sorry for all that Em, I really am."

"What are you still apologizing for? You didn't know he was going to go all psycho on you. Don't keep apologizing. I knew there was something off about him, I can't believe I didn't figure out before hand." Emmett balls up his fist and hits it against his knee in frustration.

I take a deep breath, I might as well get all this out now. "There's something else, I... um, I think we should sell the house."

"What?" He quickly whips his head around to look at me.

"Please, hear me out. I just think it's time. You and Rosalie, who knows where you two are going to end up being stationed, you don't want to live here, in this house. And C.J. and I, we don't need half this space, and then Edward, he's going to be graduating soon. I'm sure he's ready to move on and get a place of his own. I think..."

"Have you talked to Edward about this?" Emmett interrupts me and stops the swing.

"Wh- um, what? No! Why should I?" I'm surprised that Emmett even cares if I've mentioned this to Edward yet or not.

"Bella, I'm just saying I think you should at least ask him what his plans are."

Now I'm pissed. "What the hell, Emmett? It's not up to Edward, nor yourself what I do with my life." I feel my walls breaking down. I don't know how to make Emmett understand. "This needs to happen. Everyone needs to move on. If you don't want to sell this house, just say so. You can buy out my share or something so I can get a smaller place. I …"

"Baby sis, that's not it. I think this is about more than just selling the house, isn't it?"

_Just __what __I __need__._ I should have known that Emmett could see right through me, he always has been able to. I shake my head, hoping he will drop it.

"Don't lie to me. I've seen the way you look at him Bella. You have feelings for Edward, don't you?"

I keep my thoughts to myself, but Emmett saying the words aloud scares the hell out of me. That's more than I've been able to do.

"Bella, I've always known you crushed hard on him. Now talk to me."

Just like that, I give a little and let Emmett in. I want to tell someone anyway. "You know that feeling that you get when you're around someone and it makes you think you two are the only people on Earth, and everything else just sort of falls into place?"

Emmett nods and rubs my shoulder.

The tears that I've been holding back finally slip down my cheeks and the words so easily fall from my lips, "That's what I feel when I'm with him. Yeah, I love him, Emmett, I do - but I can't be with him."

He sort of laughs, "Why not? Have you even told Edward how you feel?"

"Yeah right," I snort. "That'd go over well. He thinks of me as his baby sister, Em!" The hurt oozes over my heart, just like it has every other time I've thought of it that way.

"And how are you so sure about that?" he asks so calmly and sure of himself. I hate it when Emmett questions me with that tone of voice.

"You see the way you're looking at me right now? That's the same way he looks at me... the exact same way." My shoulders slump and the intensity of the throb in my heart pulses harder.

"I'm not so sure about that, Belly. I think he likes you as more than his best friend's little sister, and C.J.-"

"Don't you see though? He _loves_ C.J. and he may or may not _like_me a little? I can't be with him for that reason alone. I deserve more than that Emmett, and I'll never get over him with him so close and so involved in my life. I need this." I'm all but begging him to understand.

"Are you sure?" Emmett asks with a sound of resignation. "I just think, Belly-"

I cut him off, not wanting him to try and sway my opinion. This is hard enough as it. "Yeah, I'm sure, but will you tell him? I think he should hear it from you." I honestly don't think I have the willpower to send him away.

"Of course I'll talk to him."

"Can you wait a few days? I don't want any unnecessary drama while you're here." I can practically feel the impending change in the air.

"Whatever you want," Emmett sighs.

"You leave Sunday right?" I ask trying to get a plan laid down in my mind.

"Yes."

"Today is Wednesday, and Edward's graduation is Saturday, so, maybe tell him Friday or after his graduation. And tell him he doesn't have to move out right away. He can look around, take his time finding a new place, or he can wait until the house sells, I mean, I'll have to find something too and.."

"Bella," he stops my rambling. "I'll talk to him, but I still think you've got to tell him how you feel. He deserves that much."

I nod my head in agreement, I just don't know where I'll ever find the courage to do so.

We settle into a quiet bubble. I watch the clouds drift over head and the breeze rustle the leaves. We casually swing back and forth.

"Emmett, do you ever wish you were a little kid again?" I ask as I rest my head over onto his broad shoulder.

"No, not really, I kind of like being a grown up, it's pretty awesome." he chuckles.

"I do. I wish I were a kid, things were easy then. Mom and Dad were happy and together. Gram and Gramps lived next door. All I ever had to worry about was which cartoon I was going to watch first."

"Yeah. I remember. It was easier." Emmett squeezes my shoulder. I can't help but be sad and wonder how many more times we will share together like this.

"And, you know, skinned elbows and knees were so much easier to fix and mend than broken hearts and dreams." I sigh and close my eyes.

"I can't argue with that, sis. I can't argue that at all."

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I go shopping with Rosalie and go to the cemetery with Emmett. I trim the bushes across the street in old man Clearwater's yard. I try and stay busy and I pull away from Edward. It's not easy. I can feel the separation in every fiber of my being and like a rubber band, the need is strong to return to him.

But I fight the force with all I have.

I don't allow myself to sneak and watch him bond with C.J.

If Edward falls asleep in my bed, I take the monitor downstairs with me and sleep on the couch.

I can't even bear to look at him. It makes me feel guilty for pushing him away, knowing that I'm going to be taking C.J. away from him, and even for falling in love with him and causing this whole mess.

I'm sure the guilt is written all over my face.

Emmett and Edward stay pretty occupied doing their guy stuff anyway. I seem to forget that they were friends first and nothing will ever change that.

I was just in the right place at the right time to throw chaos into the mix.

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Friday night I hear Emmett asking Edward if he wants to go and grab a beer at Smokey's Bar. My heart wallops in my chest and I feel like I might throw up. I almost want to run in there and tell Emmett to forget I ever said anything.

"Bella, are you okay? You look kind of pale?" Rose walks by and sees me standing rigid in the hallway. I don't think she notices that I'm totally eavesdropping on Edward and Emmett.

"Just a little dizzy," I half lie.

"You want to go rest? I'll listen out for C.J." She rubs up and down my back.

"I think I will. Thank you." I agree only because I don't know how much longer I can stand here and hold back my tears.

Funny how it seems that no matter what I do, I end up with heartache.

I stop in to look at C.J. before I go to my room. I rest my hand on his back, take pleasure in his warmth, appreciate his steady heartbeat, wait for the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. "I hope I'm doing the right thing Ceej," I whisper. "He loves you. I love you. We all love you. That won't ever change. I'm just trying to do the right thing by us all."

Even though with everything I am, it sure doesn't feel like the right thing.

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It's late when I hear Edward and Emmett return to the house. I pull C.J. tighter in to my embrace. I've been lying with him in my bed for hours. He makes my soul relax a little, the hurt's still there, just not quite as strong and powerful.

Holding C.J. at least gives me hope for tomorrow.

And the day after that.

The next month.

And next year.

I hear the floorboards creak in the hall outside. I can't make out what Edward and Em are saying to each other.

That is until Edward's voice gets closer. "I'm sure. Goodnight Emmett. I'll see you in the morning."

My door opens and I close my eyes pretending to be asleep. I can faintly tell that a dim light spills into the room from the night light in the hallway.

I mentally count Edward's steps as he nears my bed. I try my best not to move a muscle.

"Belly? Are you awake?" He speaks so quietly, I barely hear him.

I don't move or answer him and I pray he can't tell that my breathing has increased. He sounds upset. Defeated even.

The bed moves, I surreptitiously open one eye and peek out to see him slumped forward, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Damn," he whispers and hangs his head. He brings up his elbows and props them on his knees. His hands go to his hair. "What am I supposed to say? How can I fix this?"

It's all I can do to not reach out and comfort him.

None of this is his fault. He need not think so.

I squeeze my eyes closed again.

I hate that I've hurt him.

Soon enough Edward joins us on the bed and rests on the other side of C.J. I refuse to think about how much I wish things were different. It's time for me to move on.

As soft and light as the flutter of a butterflies wings, I feel his fingers trace the outline on my cheek, moving down to my chin before his touch falls off my profile.

"Goodnight," he whispers as his fingers, in their absence, leave a burn on my skin.

Through the cover of the night he doesn't see the tears as they roll down and wet my face before staining the pillow.

"Goodnight," I mouth in return as I settle in to sleep, for the last time no doubt, with both my loves in my bed and with no more worry about how things are going to change.

Because they already have.

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Very early in the morning C.J. starts to squirm in between Edward and I. I crane my neck to see that the clock says it's just a little past six.

I look down and smile at Edward's arm thrown over C.J.'s middle. It's such a tender moment to see the fatherly way Edward treats C.J.

I'm not sure if it's even replaceable.

C.J. looks up at me, his pupils still so dark and deep. Recognition and excitement spread over his features. His arms and legs start to flail. He's eleven weeks old and seems to change every single day.

I scrunch up my nose and raise my pointer finger to my lips, "Shhhhh."

I move Edward's arm away from C.J. as gently as I can, careful not to wake him up.

Edward shifts slightly on to his back, freeing up C.J.

I quickly pick him up, eager to love all over my baby, all the while still unable to look away from the sleeping man in my bed.

Edward's so righteous and good. He's been so faithful to me through all this. I swear I think he's a rarity among men, even a perfect man in an imperfect world.

And it is definitely too good to be true to think he could have ever been mine.

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"Rosalie, why are you up so early?"

She's already at the kitchen table, drinking her coffee, reading the newspaper.

"Lemme have him." she coos.

I hand C.J. off to her and grab a mug.

"I've just got in the habit of getting up early with your brother, like at the ass crack of dawn every morning. It's my routine now. I couldn't sleep in if I wanted to."

"Hmmm," I respond in a daze as I blow on my coffee. So many things are moving at a warped speed through my mind.

I'm a nervous wreck.

"Edward's graduation service starts at eleven this morning, right?" Rose asks as she bounces C.J. on her knees.

"I believe so."

"Are you going to ride with us or what?" C.J. starts to fuss, so Rose picks him up and puts him on her shoulder.

"It doesn't matter," I answer. I swear I feel so uneasy, as if I know today the sky is going to fall and I'm going to be caught under it's blanket, unable to escape.

"Bella, you seem distracted. Why don't you take a walk down at the shore or something. Get you some fresh air. Clear your head."

C.J. starts to cry louder and I robotically move and begin to fix him a bottle. "He's probably hungry."

Rose stands and takes the bottle from my hands. "Bella, just go. I'll handle little man here."

I would absolutely love some alone time to get myself together, but I have responsibilities. I shouldn't.

_But __I __should__..._

I hesitantly hand her over the bottle and walk toward the back door to slip on my sandals.

"Just be back by ten or so," she adds as I open the door.

"Okay, I'll be back." I blow Ceej a kiss. "I have my cell if you need me."

"Tell her to go on, C.J., we'll be fine, won't we?"

I step through the door and let the sunshine warm my face while the morning air - still wet with dew, chills my skin.

I take off walking toward my favorite place in the world, the lone bench down past the pier. The place my daddy always took me, Emmett, and Edward when we fussed about wanting to swim in the ocean.

The only place, other than my home, where I can let my mind run wide open until it clears itself.

Where I can let my heart freely bleed with emotions.

I can just sit there on that old wooden bench for hours, doing nothing but watching the repetitive motion of the water, how the tide pulls and then pushes - so strong and sure. Reveling in the way it calms me from the inside out.

I can think about my daddy and what he'd be doing right now, how the fish probably miss his laughter and the hum of his boat's old worn out motor in the cove.

I can think about how Emmett is living his dream, tackling life with arms wide open. Getting everything he deserves and more. His dreams are coming true and I am so proud of him .

I can think about Edward and how far he's come. How I remember when he was little and his parents abandoned him and dad took him in. Edward was so grateful and innocent, even when he should have been out having fun and living it up, he choose to stay home with us and just hang out.

It's no wonder I feel about him like I do.

I slink down and sit on that old bench. I finger over the splintering wood and pick at the curling paint.

The sound of the ocean plays a relaxing song, no matter the hour or day, it always sounds the same. I could listen to it forever.

Before I know it, tears are flooding down my cheeks. I can't wipe them away fast enough. They just take over for no particular reason at all.

Or maybe it's because of all the reasons.

But it seems that as my tears leak, my soul feels a little bit lighter.

And I don't know how that I know, but I do, everything is going to be all right.

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Edward pushes through the crowd, loosing up his tie as he walks. He's making a bee line straight for us. Some of his fellow graduates are reaching out their hand to congratulate him, he's quick to finish the gesture and keep moving.

I love watching him from afar like this.

Rose and Emmett stand beside me as Edward comes closer. I haven't spoken to him since last night before him and Em had their talk. I'm a little apprehensive how it's going to be between us now.

When I returned from my walk on the beach, Edward had already left. He had to be at the auditorium early for line ups.

Emmett wouldn't tell me what they had talked about. He only said that he told Edward what I had wanted him too, the rest was none of my business.

_Jerk_.

Edward finally makes his way to us and he immediately reaches out to take C.J. from me. I oblige and hand him over, but I see the way his eyes look troubled when he looks at me. I feel the shake in the core of myself, everything in between us feels uneasy.

Emmett one-arm hugs him, "Congrats brother," slapping Edward hard on the back.

"Thanks man," he returns the manly hug.

Rosalie opens her arms and Edward steps into them. They hug and laugh. I look away.

Edward steps over to stand directly in front of me. There is so much I want to do and say to him. I want to smile at him. I want to gush at how proud I am of him. I want to tell him how I can't wait to see him in his uniform. I want to say that I know my father is smiling down from Heaven so pleased at what Edward has done. I want to tell him how I think he's one in a million.

Instead I wrap my arms around his middle. I bury my face in between C.J.'s shoulder and Edward's chest. I squeeze them both. I breathe deeply categorizing this moment and the way it feels to have both my boys in my arms.

Edward tightens his arm around my back. I feel his lips on the crown of my head. He gently sways us right to left to right.

"We did it," he says in a docile tone, still not letting me go.

"You did it," I correct still not letting him go either.

"If you only knew," he adds.

I smile and try to ignore how right it feels so right to be in his arms.

I stay in his hold as long as he lets me.

"Let's go eat." He loosens his grip from around me, but instead of letting me go, he pulls me into his side. His hand fits perfectly around my waist, his fingers wrapping around my hip. This space on his side is such a lovely place to be.

Right now, in this second, _I __am_ a lucky woman.

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Edward watches me a lot as we eat and I know this only because my eyes don't wander far from him.

C.J. is passed all around the table, but mostly he's with being held by me or Edward.

I have no doubt that to a stranger, we would appear to be a happy family. Edward a proud father, me a doting mother. Em and Rose, the over protective aunt and uncle.

If only appearances mattered.

Edward stands to go to the bar and I find the steak sauce on my plate very interesting. I don't know how to start this conversation and get things back to good with Edward.

I hate it.

"Bella," Rose leans over and takes the fork from my hand. "Emmett and I thought about going ahead and leaving soon and taking C.J. with us. You could stay late and hang out with Edward. Have a little fun." She wiggles her eyebrows and I feel the panic start in my toes and creep up my bones.

"Rose! NO! I can't..." I grab a hold of her hand.

"Don't have a good time then, just talk to the man, Bella. He'll bring you home." Rosalie jerks her hand out of mine. Her eyes reverberate her tone of voice, she's aggravated. She's had enough of me skating around my feelings for Edward.

She knows, she always known.

"Rosalie..." I whine.

"Bella!" She says in a condescending tone that I imagine I'll speak to C.J. with one day.

She quickly stands and I follow her over to where Emmett and Edward are now standing. Edward is holding C.J. while they both converse with an older man and woman.

"Bella," Edward says as he reaches his empty arm out for me. I fill the open space like a plug. my side to his. "I bet you don't remember Cpt. Black do you? He was a close friend of Charlie's and this is his wife, Sue."

I reach out to shake his hand and then her's. "The name sounds familiar," I admit.

Cpt. Black begins to tell us stories of my father and his adventures on the police force. Cpt. Black was even his partner when they were both just rookies.

We all laugh at the memories and the pride I've always carried for my father triples in size.

I see out of my periphery Rose take C.J. out of Edward's arms. Edward throws his now empty arm around her and whispers something in her ear. She tells him something back and then she takes off back toward our table.

I hesitantly considering walking away and asking her what's going on until Cpt. Black introduces another fellow officer who was close to my dad and a whole new round of tales begin.

Emmett announces to our circle that him and Rose have to leave and take the baby home so the quote "kids can stay out and play tonight." I narrow my eyes and cross my arms.

_Ass__._

He shakes every one's hand and then leans forward to give me a hug, "Stay out as late as you need, Belly. Just work it out, all right?"

He pats my back and kisses my cheek before releasing me and walking away to join Rose at the table gathering our belongings.

Rosalie carries C.J., asleep in his carrier, over to where we're standing. She hugs me and tells me goodnight, also repeating what Emmett said about no curfew and setting things straight. I don't respond to her, I kiss Ceej and tell her to take care of him instead.

I watch as they carry him away and I'm already worrying about him. I haven't really been away from him since he was born.

I remembering reading somewhere that making a decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. Now more than ever I know exactly what that means.

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"I'd buy you a drink, ya' know, if I could." Edward says with a cheesy grin as he tips up his beer bottle and finishes it off. Even watching him drink is sexy. How is life fair? "I don't think providing a minor with alcohol would be an appropriate way to start out my career." he adds.

"Please. I'm twenty, Edward. It's not like I'm twelve." I look away knowing he's saying this to get a rise out of me. Even though, around him... I willing float.

"Still too young." He shakes his head.

I turn to face him as the small dance floor near us begins to clear, "Not t_hat_ much younger than you, Mr." I poke at his chest.

He grabs my hand, "You don't think five years is a lot?"

I look down and watch the way his long fingers wrap around my own. I suddenly feel bare and vulnerable, but I tell him anyway, "Not really."

His slides his palm to mine, lining them up, fingers wide and open. The heat between our hands passing back and forth, the energy transferring. "Good to know," he says as his hand curls around mine, linking us together as he has a hundred times before, yet somehow this time, it's different.

My insides go to mush.

A new song begins and he looks up at me with mischief in his eyes. "You know what song this is don't you?"

I groan and nod my head.

"And you did tell me you'd do the Electric Slide with me." He tugs me toward the lines of people already being formed on the dance floor.

"You're going to hold me to that?" I yell over the music.

"You better believe it." He lets go of my hand to stand beside me in line.

I can't stop laughing watching him dance. He adds extra spins and kicks in the line dance. I'm out of breath and my stomach cramps from laughing so hard by the time we 're done.

He grabs my hand again as we walk off the dance floor. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, I think I am."

I did have fun hanging out and dancing with him, and it makes me smile like a goon thinking that it almost felt like... a date.

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We walk side by side silently on the way to his car in the back parking lot of the city auditorium.

The distinctive smell of ocean drifts around us, I can't imagine living anywhere else where I couldn't walk outside and inhale _that__. _

Some things are just what home is.

Edward tugs me on past his car and we head toward the sidewalk. "Let's walk and talk. Shall we?"

I nod and follow his lead but I am apprehensive of what may come out of our talk.

We walk for a bit, quiet and slow, our fingers loosely entwined as our arms dangle and swing. Our steps almost synchronized regardless of the height difference.

He finally breaks our hushed bubble, "Emmett told me you want to sell the house and why you wanted to do so."

I don't say anything in return.

"I think I need to explain a few things to you beforehand. I don't want you to make any rushed decisions because of me." He turns to say to me.

"Okay," I squeak out unsure if what he tells me could possibly make me change my mind or not.

"This isn't easy," he mumbles.

I squeeze his hand for reassurance because I know exactly how he feels.

"Please let me explain everything before you jump to conclusions, all right? I don't want you to... to hate me." He sounds so pleading.

I already want to run because I'm positive I don't want to hear anything ever that would make me hate him.

I turn to face him and I can tell he's nervous.

He takes a long, deep breath before he talks. "When I was a baby, I think I was like a year old, the doctor told my parents that I had Cryptorchidism, which is... damn I hate this … Um, my testicles had not descended to my ...scrotum. It was a birth defect and it only happens to one percent of males or so, but both my nuts had, you know, not fallen like were supposed to."

I remember reading something about that in one of my baby books. I shake my head and tell him to go on.

"My doctor suggested surgery to go ahead, and... fix them. My parents followed through, but it was about the same time that my mother was due with my younger brother, David."

"I didn't know you had a younger brother." I say in shock.

"I don't. She carried him to term, but he was stillborn, and I'm sure that's what messed my mother up so badly. She never could recover from his death and later on she ran dad off with her depression."

Tears burn my eyes when I think of the misery of losing a baby like that.

"But see, I got sick around that same time, but no one noticed that my abdomen was swelling. My cousin later told me that my mother thought I was crying all the time because she was always sad, but really it was because I was in pain. My incision was infected. My mother had stopped giving me my antibiotics and toxins were invading my body, not allowing me to heal properly."

The tension is literally rolling off Edward, I can feel it.

"After a few months stay in the hospital, I was finally better and sent home. My mother, though, she never got any better. I think I was six when my dad left. I was almost eight when I started staying with your dad all the time."

"I'm sorry, Edward-"

"Wait! That's not it." I swear I think his voice is cracking.

"Go ahead," I urge again.

"When I was fourteen, Charlie took me to a doctor to get a physical so I could play basketball for the middle school team. He ended up taking me to the same clinic my parents had used when I was a kid. I remember it like it was yesterday. That same night you're dad took me, just me, for a milkshake. We sat down on that old bench at the pier that he always took us to."

I smile and shake my head, the one I had just been to today.

"He told me what the doctor had told him earlier that day in the office. He said I'd never have any kids. That I was sterile. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant at the time. But that my illness as an infant had damaged me, that the scar tissue was too much to ever remove."

I swallow hard, my heart breaking more.

"I remember laughing after Charlie told me that." Edward's voice was so dull. "Thinking that maybe it was a good thing, as a teenage boy whose parents had abandoned him, kids were the last thing I thought I'd ever want."

I stay silent, not sure what to say.

"I never thought much more about it until I joined the Army, I told the attending about it and he suggested we run a few test to confirm it." Edward stops walking and loses his thoughts as he stares out into the night.

Our palms are sweaty but I squeeze his hand anyway. I pull our linked hands closer to me and put my other hand atop of his.

"What did the test say?" I ask, hesitantly.

"That I'd never be a dad." A single tear slides down his cheek causing a ripple and crack in my own emotions.

"That's where you come in." He turns to look at me, sad and guilty, and all the pieces of the puzzle begin to click into place.

A sob bubbles up out of my throat and I release his hands to cover my mouth.

Surely, he didn't.

Did he?

Does that mean?

_He __used__..._

"Wait, Bella, listen! It's not as bad as it sounds. I swear."

I don't want to hear it.

With all I have I need to walk away from him, but my feet refuse to move.

I can't look at him though, I can't. It's worse than what I thought it could be.

"You know I've always cared about you. Always. And when all that happened with Riley, it about killed me. I was there for you. No hidden agenda. I wanted to be there Bella, I did."

I'm crying again. The sobs squeeze from my body under no control. This hurt is the hurt I've been wanting to avoid - magnified. My heart is no longer broken, it's destroyed. "Stop!" I try to speak but it's more like a strangle of letters spilling from my mouth.

He reaches out for me and I flinch away from his fingertips.

His hand drops and he tightens both his hands into a fist. He twists and stands with his back to me for just a minute. His hand digs through his hair.

It seems as though the unlit night has gotten darker even though the moon is still there, brighter than before.

I don't know what to do.

He slowly revolves back around to face me. He steps one step closer. I don't move. His moves are calculated and deliberate.

"Bella, please listen!" His voice is low and pleading, he sounds so desperate. "You have to know. It wasn't the first thing I though of. I just wanted you to be okay and I wanted to beat that fucker down. And then, when you were all right, and your spirits seemed to be in a good place, I begin to think about it. How about this time with you, how it might be my only chance to be," he shrugs, "to be a dad. Please understand."

I feel his hopelessness, I do, but it's at the expensive of me and my baby's love and trust. We gave it all to him.

And he took it so willingly.

For nothing.

"I understand Edward, I do!" I say through choppy breaths. "But there are other ways for you to be a father!" I argue and I can't help that my voice begins to rise.

"Bella, please. It just seemed-at the time-to be the perfect opportunity. I had already vowed to take care of you. So I thought why not?" He laughs a little balmy at himself.

"I didn't mean to get so involved and so close. I didn't intended to love C.J. the way I do, but I swear, I know it's not right, but I feel like... I finally had the family I never thought I'd have. It was... like a miracle." He sounds as hollow as I feel.

And I want to hate him for making me feel this way.

But I don't think I can.

"Edward just stop! How am I supposed to be okay with this?" It's all I can do to talk and breathe and stay standing upright.

All I want to do is crumble.

I turn to rest my back against the brick building we're standing beside. I lean forward, put my hands on my knees and try to calm myself. My hands are shaking and it feels like each inch of my skin is covered in thorns.

It's painful.

I stand back up straight and lean my head back against the wall. I close my eyes and dig as deep as I can within my soul. "Don't you get it Edward? I mean, yeah it hurts to know that you ...used us, but..."

He interrupts me. "Bella, I didn't use you. Or C.J. It may sound that way, and maybe that's the way it was at first, but it became so much more, please don't think that."

I shake my head and continue where I left off. "You using us for your advantage isn't really the worst part. It's that you didn't talk to me. You weren't honest with me from the start and now we have this big ol' mess. I would have been there for you too, Edward. That's what friends are for."

I look up to find him mirroring my stance against the wall. He's still so handsome, even through all the hurt and anguish that lingers between us. I hate that this is what we've come to. Secrets and hidden agendas.

Yet I know I wasn't any better. He has no idea how I feel about him. How I selfishly kept him around at any cost.

Obviously, even at the price of my crushed heart.

"Then again, Edward, I wasn't entirely honest with you either." Somehow through the tears as they stream down my face, I'm able to keep my voice calm and steady.

"See, I have this wonderful man who lives with me and my son in our home. He treats us like gold. He takes care of us like we are the most precious thing on earth. And I love that man." I point to him, my bottom lips quivers, so I quickly bring my hand up to cover my mouth.

I close my eyes when I continue to speak. "With everything I've ever known, **I ****love**** him****." **My lips lift and curl regardless of everything else.

I take a deep breath, "I've always loved him, even more so now. And he... he really loves my son and maybe," my voice falls as I say it, "maybe he _likes_me a little. And as much as I want to be all right with that, just so I can be with you, I can't." I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter.

The sound of resolution takes over my tone, "That's not the way I'm built and I refuse to live that way any longer. It hurts too much, Edward." I lift my other hand and press it against my chest cavity, I try to stop the pain from the outside.

It doesn't work.

But as the words drift from my lips to float on the breeze wafting past us, it's freeing. Emmett's right, Edward deserves to know the truth.

Then my heart opens up, just a little, and lets out revelation that has camped out on the edge of my lips for years. "I've always loved you, Edward."

I finally turn my head to look at him. His eyes are open and sad. I can tell he's broken too. He's just standing there, still and quiet, watching me. Maybe my confession is freaking him out. Maybe now he'll have a reason to leave. I don't know, but I might as well put it all out there. Purge my feelings, pile them into a mountain before me, maybe that will make them easier to climb and conquer.

"And I don't think you see the places inside me that I find you. You're everywhere in my life and everything to me and I'm so grateful. But I have C.J. now and he's the most important thing to me. I just don't think this is going to work out anymore. I can't do it." The emptiness swallows me as I say it. I feel like he's already gone and left me, even though he's standing right next to me.

A break up of a couple that never even were.

We both deserve so much more.

Edward rubs his palms up and down his thighs. He quickly shakes his head and his lips barely curl up on the edges. "No, Bella. No! You don't understand."

He opens and shuts his mouth a few times.

I realize I'm not even crying anymore.

"One day, Bella, you were taking a nap and you were, maybe four months pregnant. I don't know why, but I was drawn to your bedroom, that happened to me a lot. Anyway, I opened the door and I just stood there, watching you sleep." His head falls back against the wall again, like he's remembering it as though it was yesterday. Even in the moonlight his eyes have this dreamy glaze, the hurt seems to be fading away, replaced with something else.

In his voice, I can hear the emotions that are trying to sneak out. "And it was like my soul woke up and looked at you through new eyes..." He turns to face me, his shoulder resting on the wall. His toes just barely reaching mine, our remorse bonding and lingering. "...and it kind of went 'Oh, there you are, I've been looking for you... my whole life'."

I'm not sure how I feel about what he's saying. If I really understand.

He fidgets shoving his hands into his pockets and them tugging them out again. He looks up and then down.

He slowly reaches for my hand again, this time I don't flinch. His body is like a magnet, and mine is the heaviest of metals, I can't fight the pull.

He takes my one hand into both of his. His thumbs glides softly over my knuckles. I watch with bewilderment and confusion and maybe the slightest bit of... hope.

This has to be a dream.

"And there was no doubt in my mind, I was in love with you, Bella Swan. I felt it down deep in my heart and I knew that we belonged together." I feel his eyes on me, watching, gauging my reaction.

My heart takes off inside my chest with a mind of it's own.

I wonder if my legs are going to give out or not, my body feels too heavy to be held up.

"And I remember thinking that this was what Charlie meant when he told me not to worry about not being able to have kids, that someday I'd be blessed anyway. It was as if he could see the future and he knew about me, you, and C.J."

A different emotion rises through my windpipe. It's one that I can't name. It's happy and sad. It's hope and fear. It's regret and promise. It's all the emotions combined.

His voice fades to whisper, "I'm sorry, Bella. I never wanted to hurt you."

I shake my head, trying to stop the onslaught of all these declarations and words and feelings. It's like I just got off the ride at the fair, I'm dizzy with it all.

His thumb is still touching me so softly, I close my eyes and concentrate on that alone.

I don't think I have ever been this scared before.

"Edward Cullen, did you just say that you love me? Because.. because..."

I think I'm about to hyperventilate. "...you... you just can't casually say things like that to me and pretend like it's nothing. This is..." I stomp my foot and blink away the remnants of the tears that are drying in the corners of my eyes.

He laughs at me and I look up at him. His eyes are twinkling. He just stands there, so confident and sure. I can't decide to scream at him or jump into his arms.

I realize that I'm crippled in fear. Afraid to breathe, afraid to move, simply panic-stricken that this is all a dream, and too soon, I'll wake up.

He bites his bottom lip and his stance relaxes some. His grip increases on my hand, and he leans toward me just a little, or maybe it's that we gravitate toward the other, I'm not sure. "Four years ago, Emmett had one or ten too many at this barbecue. He was a blubbering mess and that night he told me that you loved me. He said he used to find papers and notebooks in your room with my name doodled on them. Pictures of me with hearts drawn near my head." He's looking down at our hands, and his smile is so genuine and youthful. His chest rises with a small chuckle.

I'm glad he thinks this is funny, because I want to find a rock and hide under it for a long time. I had no idea that Emmett knew way back then.

"He ragged me good about it. I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not, but honestly, I was scared. Scared that he was right," Edward's voice drops and his face is tender when he looks back up at me.

"And terrified that he wasn't. It made me feel like this horrible guy because, when we were younger, I did love you like a sister and then I grew up and you," he gestures at my body, head to toe. "You grew up too, and it wasn't such a brotherly way for me to feel anymore."

I can feel it in my heart, the gentle rejoices it's making, the rusting of the armor, the crumbling of the walls, and I want to believe it so much.

So much.

"I didn't admit anything to Emmett that night, but you know what the last thing he said to me was in his drunken confession? He said we'd be perfect together and for me to treat you right. Neither one of us have ever mentioned it again.. until last night, when he told me about you wanting to sell the house."

I feel the cries bubbling up out of me again.

Edward reaches out for my other hand. "Bella, please don't push me away."

He pulls and I trail. I want this, I just don't how to believe it. I spent so long thinking this was just a fairy tale, a perfect alternate to how my life is now, that I never dreamed it could really happen.

I step into his embrace. His arms go around me. Mine go around him. I stand in between his legs, that are extended out on front of him so we're the same height. His lips are beside my ear, I feel them even through my hair.

"I was scared I could never convince you." He whispers.

I bury my face even deeper into him. I love the feel of his skin of his neck against my face. Forget air, I'll happily breathe him instead.

"I was afraid I could never convince you that the ocean and the sky you see is the same ocean and sky that I see. I think that's how lovers know: they see the same blue, the same sea." His words are soft and sentimental.

"All you had to do was tell me." I nimbly say.

"All you had to do was tell me." he reverberates.

"I'm still scared." I hug him tighter.

"I am too, but I'm more scared that I had lost you, Bella. You and C.J. are everything to me."

So I take that leap, "I love you, Edward."

He cushions me as we fall, head over heels. "I love you, Bella."

"Do you really?" I have to ask, because come on, this isn't a fairy tale, this is my life.

"Yeah, I really do."

I stand a little taller, my toes extended a little. My arms around his neck, his arms still holding snug around my back. I feel him all around me, more than I ever have. How my chest is pushed against his. How his legs are long and lean and firm and steady, and they keep up standing solid and stable. How his fingertips are gently digging into my flesh, as if he too wonders if this is real. His taunt grip reminding me he's still here, holding me, as if I could ever forget.

I angle my face toward his and I feel his breath, warm and damp against my lips. The air between us becomes ours as it mixes and dallies around us.

There's this anticipation of what's to come, one of minutes and one of years, and along with it is this excitement of all the good that awaits us.

My fingers take the liberty of scratching up his neck, reaching the soft, thick hair that I've wanted to touch just like this for so long.

My forehead drops to his chin because sometimes, getting what you can be too much to handle all at once.

His hair is silk between my fingers as I twist and turn them.

One of his hands moves up my back, pulling me closer, blending us even more. His hand runs under my hair, and when his fingertips find the skin of my neck, I gasp his name.

"Bella, look at me." He breathes.

My eyes lift and gaze at his. There's a lot there, so much in his eyes, we could get lost in it and yet it would be magical, wonderful place.

"I'm sorry," he says, so sincere and cottony, my ears tickle.

"Don't," I shake my head. He's said it enough.

His hand wraps and cradles my neck. I feel like I'm anchored and it's a wonderful thing.

His tongue peeks out to wet his bottom lip, just barely, but it's enough for me to feel the rush all over my skin. His hand is hot as he drags it open and flat along the neckline of my shirt, his thumb open and his pinkie teasing. His touch slows as palm reaches my cheek and soon after his thumb comes into contact with my bottom lip.

His eyes drop down to watch his seduction. My mouth opens a little, the need for me to draw air is urgent and divine at the same time.

His nostrils flare and he clenches his teeth.

The want intensifies.

The tip of his thumb lazily outlines my lips. I close my eyes and swallow the lump of lust that has accumulated in my throat.

Before I even have the opportunity to calm myself, I feel his mouth closed and gentle against my cheek.

And even though it's his lips that have kissed my cheek on more than one occasion, this is different. This is a man kissing a woman_. __That_ man kissing _this_ woman. This kiss will lead to other kisses and _that _kiss will be my last first kiss, I have no doubt.

His lips delay against my cheek, his palm moves back around to hide under my hair.

My desire outweighs my patience.

I gradually turn my face toward his. His forehead angles forward, resting against mine. There's this energy cocooning us, my entire body is on alert. I feel every brush of cotton against my skin, every swoosh of air, every shift of his weight, every breath he exhales, I inhale.

I push forward, just enough, my lips electrify as they touch his. So warm, so soft, so much of everything I always knew they'd be.

A small cry comes from deep inside me, it's more like a sigh with wings, but I couldn't hold it back if I wanted to.

Edward parts his lips as he takes my top lip in between his and sucks, just enough.

I want to crawl up on him as we stand here. If it was only possible.

That tease of his mouth, his wetness, his taste is all it takes for me to do whatever it takes for more.

I tighten my hold on his hair, maybe too much. He grunts and his hand glides down to join his other on my lower back, he pulls me closer, so close it almost hurts.

He tilts his head and open his lips, once again, just enough. Our tongues meet, hesitant yet needy and all it takes is one small touch, to welcome and acquaint.

His tongue is velvet and sweet, gentle and sure. His kiss is good, perfect. Everything.

His hands rub down over the roundness of my behind, his fingers curl and hold pressing me to him. The noises he makes spur the sounds I make and the rest of the world disappears, it gets left behind as we float away.

We kiss and moan and touch and live in a balloon of just us.

I wonder how I ever lived without this. There's this current that covers me and makes me feel more alive than I ever have.

I always knew Edward was different, but how he makes me feel so much is a miracle. He somehow makes me feel a special way that no one else ever has, it's even different than what I feel with C.J.

With C.J. it's a need and a belonging, with Edward it's a desire and a want.

I finally have it all.

He pauses, drawing away. Our lips are wet and chapped and yet, it still isn't enough. His breath teases my lips as he pants. I morn the loss of his hands on my body, but soon enough they are gripping my cheeks.

"Bella," his lips graze my mouth as he talks, "I can make you happy."

I can't stop the giggle that escapes me, "Edward," I put my hands atop of his still holding my face, "You already do."

**/**

_**F**_

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_**L**_

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_**H**_

**/**

"Bella? Where's C.J.?" Edward cracks open the bathroom door and yells at me.

"Rosalie has him, her sister-in-law was visiting from Savannah. She wanted to show him off." I yell through the steam of the shower.

"So we are alone?" He questions, his voice a little closer, a little deeper.

"Uh.. yeah." I say with nothing more than a breathy moan.

The past few weeks have been busy. C.J. had an ear infection, so we stayed one night in the emergency room and then he had an allergic reaction to his antibiotics so that was that was two more days spent loitering in the doctor's office.

Emmett left going back to Germany, Rosalie stayed to finish out her clinicals.

There was a murder right outside of Jacksonville and Edward was asked to shadow the detectives since that's what he decided he wants to do with his career.

So even though, we've both been around, we haven't had much time to finish 'talking' or do more than what 'talking' we did the other night.

There have been a few stolen moments here and there. Edward would pick me up and press me hard against the wall. His lips would own mine. He'd kiss me until I couldn't breath and even then, I was still begging for more.

This physical thing between us is unlike anything I've ever experienced with anyone. I want him like the desert wants rain. Like I might die of pure want if I don't have him soon. That's pretty bad.

But somehow it's just what I need.

The shower curtain slides open, the fog escapes and a very naked Edward steps into the shower with me.

I only thought it was already hot in here. His body is amazing. Just the right amount of hair, muscles that are defined, but not too much. Lean.

Hard.

His hands are all over me before I even have the chance to speak. He teases my breasts, grazes his fingertips over my stomach, tickles up my sides.

My hands scrape though his hair, that darkens from the water. Small droplets being to bead and trail across his forehead, down his nose, drip from his ears.

My mouth waters.

His tongue takes ownership of my mouth. His lips mold to mine, we share air. His moans are muffled, mine are lost somewhere in the water fall.

He backs me up to the tile, curling his fingers around the backs of my knees, lifting me to him. I press myself against his muscular body that's holding me to the wall.

I concentrate on the way his palms slide around on my wet flesh. How he clutches me like I am his life line.

I look into his eyes, and finally I see it, the love. He loves me.

He wants me.

He needs... me.

His breathing accelerates, his chest pumping harder against mine.

Me? I'm not sure I'm breathing at all.

No words are said, he aligns us and pushes into me. My body is suddenly being awakened to a new form – a goddess. I feel things deep inside me like I never have. He reaches depths of my body that were previously untouched, uncharted. Maybe it's the love that shared between us, maybe that takes sex to a new level of fuckawesome.

All I know is that the feelings that course through me are indescribable.

Hot water pellets our skin. I taste it in his mouth. I drink him. He is the perfect elixir of love and sex and man.

And mine.

He moans my name and it washes over my skin more so that the soap from earlier. I wonder if I am dreaming, if this is real.

He moves in and out, in and out. A new intensity builds, I am so close. I just want to dangle here, right at the edge, for as long as I can.

My body is on fire, and it's not just the hot water. I look down at where we are joined, past my belly and the baby bump that still lingers from my pregnancy.

I see him filling me, joining us, and it's almost more than I can take.

I love this man.

I find myself gripping his shoulders, looking for leverage. My heels cling to his thighs. I need more.

His fingers dig into my skin.

"Shit, Bella. I love you so damn much." he grunts. His mouth open, licking my neck, nipping my shoulder. Kissing me. Tasting me.

Happy tears leak from my eyes, but mix with the shower water before he has time to detect them.

"Oh..." I want to tell him that I love him too, but my body has lost the ability to speak words.

He increases his motion, adding a little twist of his hips and a flick of his thumb of my clit and I am done for.

I fall over the edge moaning his name.

Not long after he joins me in ecstasy. His body shudders and his knees give a little. He presses me harder against the wall. His mouth still claiming me everywhere he can reach.

We stand there, huffing and clinging and touching and loving.

"I love you." I whisper and kiss him again as he releases my feet to touch the floor.

But I don't think they ever make it with my head so far in the clouds.

**/**

_**F**_

**/**

_**L**_

**/**

_**H**_

**/**

Edward picks up a sleeping C.J. from between us and rolls over to lie him down on his chest. C.J. pacifier rolls out of his mouth and falls to the bed.

"I've been thinking about something you said right after C.J. was born." Edward's not looking at me, he's studying the sleeping baby on his chest.

I roll over and fluff the pillow under my head. "What did I say?"

"Remember when you told me about naming him, and how you named him after Emmett and Charlie?"

I nod and smile, remembering.

"Well these past six months have been the best days of my life, Bella and I..."

I swallow hard when he pauses, we rarely talk about the past.

"I just remember you saying that you wished he had a name of mine, right?" Edward sounds

insecure. It's an odd thing coming from him.

"Yes, I really did want that." I admit.

"I want to adopt him, his last name can be Cullen. Then he would have my name..."

"Edward." I say with the little bit of breath that is left in my lungs. "I.."

"Wait," he digs around under his pillow with his free hand. "I want to adopt him, after you marry me, of course." He hands me a red velvet box.

I am at a loss for words.

I open it and it's just a single diamond on a wide band. I look at him and he's eyes are just as glassy as I assume mine are.

If I could only verbalize how he makes me feel.

And surely he knew I would say yes.

"I want nothing more than to marry you, Edward Cullen." I whisper as I stare at the ring. My world is spinning so fast, I don't know if I can hold on.

"Really?" He chuckles.

I nod my head and pull the ring out of it's secure place in the box.

"Slip it on." He urges.

It fits me perfectly. I snuggle up on the bed beside him and C.J. I lift my hand to look at it some more.

I don't think it's sunk in yet.

"It's a tear drop diamond. To remind us of all the tears we've shed to get here, to this point in our lives." He kisses the top of my head.

"It's beautiful," I say as it catches the light shining in through the window.

"Like you," he sighs, "my life wouldn't be complete if I didn't share each and every day with you and him."

I try not to cry.

But I don't succeed.

I turn my face into his open arm, I lay my hand on C.J.'s back, and I close my eyes.

I guess it's true what they say, that sometimes, even in an ordinary life, love can come along and give you a fairy tale.

_"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold." - Zelda Fitzgerald_


End file.
